Hatake Agricultural Adventures
by the17thmuse
Summary: Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said. (Or: how the Hatake can either be born naturally or planted from a Hatake tooth, an offering of the flesh and the clan's White chakra.) Oscillates between humor and tragedy. Also full of OCs alongside canon characters. Currently on: Shiroki Comes Home
1. the Tale of the First Hatake, Shiroki

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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**Warnings:** several near-death experiences (ie. getting struck by lightning, buried alive), short none too graphic descriptions of getting beat up and a non-consensual gang bang, a dark joke with implications of incest.

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**[Let Me Tell You a Story About a Pretty Samurai] - the Tale of the First Hatake, Shiroki, and the Children-from-the-Teeth**

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It was said that Shiroki of no clan had ran afoul of shinobi, a rogue group who had made their way into the valley where he resided and beat him up for sport.

They had their fun until he was black and blue and red and white both outside and inside, until he lost half his remaining teeth and went blind in one eye.

(Scar-faced-san and Stink-breath-san hadn't really appreciated it when he told them they hadn't been as good as his late lord and uncle had been. It just seemed to have made the two ringleaders all the more more enthusiastic to pin him face-down on the ground and bend him over in other places, repeatedly.)

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Then, finally, Shiroki's body, wounded, covered in almost all manner of body fluids and left exposed to the elements, was tied and propped onto a pole to suffer a slow death, and his attackers fled as the storms brought rain, thunder and freezing wind.

His only mercy was that the rope that held him in place burned too when lightning struck him, and that the blessedly cool mud buried what's left of him when he fell to the ground.

What felt like a week passed, maybe two or more, when a pack of wolves dug his corpse out only to find him miraculously alive and recovering.

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Shiroki woke to the strangest collection of plants he had ever seen, and the silver-haired, dark-eyed toddlers that came from its fruits, all resembling him in some way.

He took his children—for what else could they be—and settled in a new and safer place, somewhere between the forest and flat plains.

The wolves showed them how to hunt, to fight and kill, and he taught the young ones how to till the soil, to grow and harvest crops, and what passable swordsmanship skills he retained from his wandering days as rōnin.

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(The ninjutsu and other shinobi arts came later, long after Shiroki taught them to control their white lightning, when the children grew more curious about the world, and became sneakier and more confident at observation and combat, and when _that_ infuriating shinobi with his ridiculous dancing trees happened.)

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**Sources:**

_plant a tooth, have a person_

\- the Spartoi from Greek mythology

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**Roster:**  
Shiroki (white sake presented as an offering to the gods) [白酒] - supposedly the first Hatake, a very pretty samurai-turned-farmer with more missing teeth than scars

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**Notes:**

(Written 8/16/19)

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I am not really a writer, but I started writing anyway and just couldn't stop. My email drafts page is getting really crowded, so I'm putting it on here.

The idea behind this is thus: I have read a lot of Kakashi and Sakumo stories with connections to canines from dogs to wolves to Raiju, mostly in AO3. However, there is near to nothing about their connection to farming. Even canon makes nothing out of it except as a bunch of inside jokes on Kakashi's name. So my brain went a little wild with hypotheses on farming and weird clan stuff.

These are just going to be a series of short stories, full of OCs, and will most likely be canon-divergent. So feel free to read, judge, and comment.


	2. the Tale of Tobirama's Mother

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

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**Warnings:** mentions of assassination/poisoning attempts, past miscarriages and stillbirth, mentions of present and future deaths.

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**[A Porcelain Lady Sows Wolf's Teeth] - the Tale of Tobirama's Mother**

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Shiso Hatake, now Lady Senju, had never been the same after five near-consecutive pregnancies and miscarriages, and one nearly successful assassination attempt right after the only stillbirth.

Certain individuals in the Senju branch families had not wanted a vassal's daughter to marry above her station, especially into the main family itself. But she had succeeded in mending some of the cracks in Butsuma's heart, and the opposition had become desperate. The poisoning attempts in particular have been getting very blatant.

There wasn't anything she could do about that though, having little to no political power, and the Head Healer, Tema ("call me Ojisan") Senju, could not be seen playing favorites.

Tema-ojisan apparently begged to differ, as Shiso was surprised to find a flowerpot in her room one day.

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It was a little bigger than a grown man's head, around the size of an urn. It was small for a Senju pot, which they tend to make big, and covered with meticulously hand-painted flowers and leaves in the style the head healer preferred to paint.

Tema most probably meant to cheer her up by having a plant of her choice to care for. It was either that, or Anija had put him under oath of secrecy or death and told him the Tale of Shiroki-obaasan. It was...very sweet of him.

She found she could spend the entire day just admiring the craftsmanship, but that would not be a wise use for it.

(It would be doubly wise not to leave it in plain sight. A few _someones_ may just break it on purpose.)

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Shiso had become so emaciated she found it hard to leave her bed most days, but she refused to let her weakness stop her from carrying such a thoughtful gift back in her isolated room.

Butsuma, in his own way, fretted at her over the next few days after she overexerted herself, but she had been in such high spirits he had to forgive the enthusiasm. And she knew exactly how to show her appreciation towards her husband, and decided to do so...very thoroughly.

A few weeks later, Shiso finally planted one of her baby wolfish teeth in the flowerpot, and nurtured her sixth (and hopefully not last) child in secret.

Paranoia kept her stressed and even more ill for weeks, to the point it wasn't difficult to fake another difficult pregnancy. Her husband became overprotective the following months, and sometimes, it felt like seeing the increasingly curdled faces of jealous and bewildered ladies (as their schemes to rid of her unborn child failed and kept on failing) was the only thing anchoring her to sanity.

In the end, all her efforts were worth it.

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Her precious Tobirama, red-eyed and half-blind due to lack of sun, was thought to be of delicate state by her visitors, and they believe he will not live long.

But she had seen his stubborn baby-plant cling to life and thrive, to be able to bloom and bring forth fruit even in less than stellar conditions.

He's a survivor, nothing at all like her stepsons Hashirama, Itama or Kawarama, but he will grow up beautiful and strong nonetheless.

She is sure of it.

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Not long after, it was found that one of the many poisoning attempts during her 'pregnancy' with Tobirama had left her barren, and Butsuma was again forced to take another wife.

(She never complained, and the others thought her cowed and defeated. What they didn't know was that the gods have long made a mockery of their founder's life, and genetic sass and his parenting style have beaten the bitterness out of their line. The gods can go float in their temples and sputter all they want, and their enemies can go choke on their egos and delusions of superiority too.)

Shiso lived long enough to impart to her son the most important secrets of their clan, of the Tale of Shiroki and the Children-from-the-Teeth, but she did live not long enough to see him become a man, or to see him outlive Kawarama, Itama, and eventually, even Hashirama.

She never saw him raise children not his own, make friends with old enemies, create indescribable wonders and legacies that lasted several lifetimes, or continue his (half-)brother's dream of peace.

(And she never lived long enough to see her son die alone, the way all Hatake do, in the end.)

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* * *

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**Sources:**

_Tobirama is a Hatake_

\- Pack Unbound by Kalira

\- The White Demon series by syusuke

\- Sing Me to Sleep by KeanBlade

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** Roster:**

Shiso (basil) [紫蘇] - Kabocha Hatake's dark-haired daughter and Tobrama's mother

Tema (effort) [手間] - the Senju Head Healer who monitored Tobirama's birth, possibly Butsuma's uncle or father

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(written: 8/16/19 )


	3. Kagami vs the Hatake vs the Gossip Mill

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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**Warnings:** questionable kidnapping and sheer silliness.

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**[The Mirror that Fulfills a Wish] - Kagami vs the Hatake vs the Gossip Mill**

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Not long before the First Shinobi War reared its head, Tobirama took Kagami Uchiha aside to give a bag of baby teeth inside a rather small Senju flowerpot, along with the order to surrender it to Hatake shinobi clan head Daizu.

Unfortunately, a few wires got crossed, and Kagami refused to let go of the bag to hand over to the clan of silver-haired farmers and swordsmen, who seem to suffer from a serious case of male plague and nearly non-existing mothers.

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Sure, many of the men are more pretty than handsome, to the point the boy once thought the Hatake disguised most of their women.

Until Hoshi-san snidely told him otherwise while within hearing distance of Kama. The Hatake elder had suddenly worn a look that, for a split second, so resembled the wolves that came with his half-wild clan, and Kagami thought they were either going to suffer a most humiliating death or get really bad crops that year..

(He still had nightmares about Nasu Hatake and Yosa Aburame's silent retribution of big, fat, nose-crawling root maggots in the daikon and carrot patches, and absolutely refused to take any more D-rank gardening missions. Those two are pure evil.)

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Hoshi Hyuuga is so dumb._ Doesn't he know when not to cross with predators?_

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Even clan head Izuna resembled a jittery rabbit after talking (just harmless talking!) with the Hatake matriarch, Shiroki-sama-sama.

(Danzo had told him adding the extra honorific sounded stupid. Kagami argued back that Shiroki-sama was still too scary and adding an extra honorific may just save him from her unnervingly unreadable, sleepy-eyed stare and her kenka kiseru or tessen, depending on the mood.)

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They said she was the very first Hatake, a self-made foundling—a samurai from the Land of Iron—who impressed the Senju Clan Head at the time (the Shodaime's _great-grandfather_) so much they had to take her bloodline as vassals. She must be so old, possibly the oldest elder in the whole of Konohagakure. Maybe, even the entire Hi no Kuni!

The Uchiha remembered how his teammate Danzo and his friend Hiruzen had debated on how the matriarch lived for so long. That she may have been predisposed to a long lifespan like the Uzumaki, or that she may be living in spite of the gods themselves.

Kagami personally thought it was the latter, and secretly waited for Danzo to overcome his shy admiration any day now, and to kneel before Shiroki-sama-sama and ask: _"Elder, you live to be so old and feared and crusty. I beg of you, teach me your ways!"_

The image of Danzo emulating the matriarch down to the pretty kimono, bangs covering an eye, a veil or scarf-covered lower face, tessen in sleeve and the ever-bored countenance never failed to make him laugh.

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That didn't answer the question though. Why _do_ the Hatake have so few women?

Maybe...Hoshi-san was right, and their women become ghosts and wolves that disappear into the night!

So Kagami did not relent at all, Uchiha stubbornness winning. He promised Tobirama-sensei that he will keep the teeth safe, even will have to fend off ghosts and wolves, and mysterious and pretty masked farmers.

And he petulantly told Kama and Daizu-sama so.

The Hatake elder, Kama, seemed to have found the boy's devotion absolutely adorable, because he pounced on the hapless chunin, literally, while crowing in a sing-song _"Mine now..."_

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(Said chunin will tell you that he was a very brave ninja and he absolutely did not scream like a girl, topple backwards over air and faint like a civilian. Which left Kama free to nonchalantly carry the boy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes while Daizo berated him about kidnapping and ruffled Uchiha feathers.)

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And for the second time, an outsider (under an oath of secrecy and threat of worse-than-death) learned something of the Hatake clan beyond their dense white chakra, wolves and lightning.

The curly-haired Uchiha had witnessed some very strange and admittedly amazing feats shinobi are capable of, but—Tobirama-sensei, Madara-sama's 'crush' (Izuna had once explained before that 'crush' means that Madara-sama is very possessive of Tobirama-sensei, as his person he loves to dislike and to crush and just could not get enough of, which is very confusing) and ANBU Commander, _came from an itty bitty potted plant_.

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How cool (_and cute_) is that?

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The boy nearly swooned at the images his imagination provided, and spent the entire day occasionally blushing and giggling, which frightened and disturbed his clansmen immensely.

Izuna-sama completely misunderstood the situation and spent the day crying about puberty and Kagami's lost innocence.

(Ugh, his entire clan is so dramatic.)

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It was sometime after Madara fell into a healing coma due to a near-fatal injury and Tobirama succumbed to multiple fatal wounds after single-handedly destroying the Kinkaku Force, that he finally figured out what Izuna-sama was talking about between the Nidaime and the late ANBU Commander.

And Kagami eventually assisted in bringing the two's "unfulfilled romantic dream" to life by planting one of Tobirama-sensei's unusually sharp and blood-stained baby cuspids which had been laced with some of the Senju's chakra, and bloodied when Madara-sama once stole the bag out of curiosity, only to cry out in pain AND get punched for his trouble.

He tried to visit the growing plant every time the opportunity arose, which was hard because he had to evade not only his parents but also Izuna-sama, all his nosy relatives AND Danzo (when Hiruzen failed to distract him with his crazy ideas) until the baby was 'born'.

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At this point Izuna was very convinced that he was seeing someone, even though Kagami denied it every single time.

(He once made the mistake of comparing the clan head to the late Shodaime in ridiculousness, and had to flee. Izuna-sama looked like he was going erupt into a conniption and Kagami did not want to be there when it happened.)

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Daizu Hatake merely took one look at the puppy-pouting chunin and gave him a place to hide in until the Uchiha clan head cooled off. It also gave him the opportunity of assigning a lot of D-rank babysitting missions which gave Kagami the excuse to occasionally babysit Sakumo-chan.

(Kama-jisan butted in during one of his visits and told him it would be very good practice when he becomes his own head of house and marries.)

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Get married? How could he say that? Girls are scary!

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* * *

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**Sources:**

_male plague _

\- The Song of Mavin Manyshaped by Sheri S. Tepper

_Tobirama is Sakumo's father_

\- That's just like you by mangacrack

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**Roster:**

Daizu (soybean) [大豆] - the Hatake shinobi clan head at the time of the First Shinobi War

Kama (sickle) [鎌] - a Hatake elder who was once the shinobi clan head

Hoshi (star) [星] - one of Kagami's peers

Nasu (eggplant) [茄子] - a Hatake shinobi who is teammates with Yosa Aburame and Shinsui Uchiha

Yosa (goodness) [良さ] - Nasu Hatake's best friend, partner in crime and teammate

Shiroki (white sake presented as an offering to the gods) [白酒] - supposedly the first Hatake, a very pretty samurai-turned-farmer with more missing teeth than scars

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(written: 8/16/19 )


	4. Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures****  
**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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**Warnings: **mentions of PTSD flashbacks and accidental kidnapping, also silliness

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**[How Not to Blackmail Your Frenemies] - Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna**

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The Forest of Death was originally maintained using the joint efforts of Senju Mokuton and Hatake Famine-grade Plant Food, because—as extraordinary the Wood release is—mere chakra doesn't guarantee nutrients, and those giant animals and plants didn't end up monstrous from just natural chakra exposure.

There's a reason why the Senju (and then Konoha) still traded for food despite the Mokuton's existence after all.

Sakumo's Hoshikusa-ojisan knew all the stories by heart and could tell it word for word, right down to the 'special effects'.

(And considering the late Shodaime, his best friend, spymaster and successor Madara, then at the time Academy Administrator Tobirama and other advisers' penchants for dramatics during those arguments, a lot of 'special effects' were necessary.)

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Kangai-ojisan had always made the best Tobirama impressions. How he managed to be both stern and have a flair for the dramatic is a mystery.

Sakumo hadn't known why, but both creativity and emotion(al outburst)s always came strongly to their particular line for some reason.

(Everyone else just kept on laughing every time a younger him asked why.)

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Years later, Suna was 'encouraged' to ally with Konoha in the Second Shinobi War via a 'trade' of intelligence, resources and expertise, especially in helping with Suna's terra-forming and agriculture efforts for self-reliance.

And they sent Sakumo to do it. Awkward, disaster-prone Sakumo. Who was nothing like the untold terror Kangai (who would have certainly won the war on his own had he the interest to or the authority to take command), or Daizu of the Lightning Blade, or the Face-Thief Nasu, or even Kama the Hurricane (who'd been an utter terror to _everyone_ when he was still alive). Nope. Just him and no other.

What utter ridiculousness. Everyone (in the clan and Oni-en) knew he sucked at farming anything that isn't a fungus. Why do they think he became a shinobi in the first place?

He took _that_ much after his other father, the non-Hatake one. What kind of trick was the Sandaime trying to pull?

_"You want me to do WHAT?!"_ Sakumo had bristled like an actual cat (and what an insult that was) back then. And maybe, a small part of him decided to be a little petty. Well, he tried to be, anyway.

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Being escorted by the Puppet Brigade for a week had been a bit different from his previous experience. Not that he could remember much from his first trip a few months ago, just some feverish impressions of desperate adrenaline-filled running and hiding with circumstantial comrades, slowly bleeding out while drowning in the taste and feel of blood in his mouth and hands, the clinging scent of ozone, and the kaleidoscopic too-aware feeling of being submerged in _danger, pack gone, not-pack hurt, must hunt, protect, **kill**_

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This second trip was a bit quiet, actually, the occasional attack from Kiri and Iwa nin aside. None of the engagements were ever big or bloody enough to even rouse the interest of the Desert Spirit Shukaku. It was either that, or the One-Tail was preoccupied in some bloodier part of Kaze no Kuni.

It was so_ boring._

So much so that he had near nothing to do except to observe and learn puppetry so thoroughly it earned him the grudging respect of Gumo and Kaiko, in particular.

_(Since they pretty much forced him to don a ridiculous black cat jumpsuit for Kami's sake—he may as well play the part too!_)

Sakumo may have also developed a fascination with puppets that he will make sure to unfortunately pass on to his future hypothetical son, to Chiyo's eternal chagrin, because _that mangy thief made off with her puppets and her grandson! How dare he!_

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To be fair, the kidnapping part was purely accidental. He had ditched the puppeteer uniform and his tour guides (at a safe non-treaty-violating distance) as soon as he possibly could, (after making sure his comrades are all safe and sound, of course) to mope quietly.

That is, until a lost redhead child bumped into him. (The tyke was actually running into his parents behind Sakumo, but he hadn't known that at the time)

And young Sasori made a better tour guide anyway. He's such a nice and sweet child

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Sasori interrupted his reminiscing with a pout. "Shinobi-san..."

"It's Hatake-san."

"Fine, Hatake-san. Why are you so slow? We're going to run out of sand dumplings and candied scorpion at this rate!"

"Alright, alright," he held his hands up in agreement, exaggerating the length of his strides. "See? I'm hurrying."

The little redhead scowled at him with the ferocity of an angry kitten, and Sakumo had to fight the urge to pinch his cheeks and toss him up in the air. This kid is so cute.

Maybe...he can draw up some sort of arrangement when he has his own little one to spoil?

The Hatake shinobi's—admittedly slasher, according to a few witnesses—smile widened at the thought.

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Elsewhere, the Sandaime Kazekage and his Suna ANBU, Hiruzen, Danzo and their respective ANBU escorts, and the entire Uchiha clan (for some reason) felt that strange spine-tingling feeling of incoming doom when a shinobi is going to pull off something very, very, very stupid.

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**Notes: **

So...since I can't find anything in the wiki, Sasori's mother and father are now named Kaiko and Gumo.

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**Roster:**

Hoshikusa (hay) [干し草] - Kumade's son and Sakumo's uncle figure, who enabled many of Kangai's schemes and plant projects

Kangai (irrigation) [潅漑] - self-appointed curator of Training ground 44's monstrous biota, a reserve force shinobi and a close relation of Shiso, possibly a nephew

Kaiko (silkworm) [蚕] - Sasori's mother; a medi-nin

Gumo (spider) [蜘蛛] - Sasori's father; a member of the Puppet Brigade

Daizu (soybean) [大豆] - the Hatake shinobi clan head at the time of the First Shinobi War

Nasu (eggplant) [茄子] - a Hatake shinobi who is teammates with Yosa Aburame and Shinsui Uchiha

Kama (sickle) [鎌] - a Hatake elder who was once the shinobi clan head

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Oni-en (Demon Garden) [鬼園] - Konoha's Landscaping and Gardening Army, unofficially put together by Kabocha Hatake as an organization of makeshift gardeners and originally composed of only Hatake members; Daizu added retired and reserve shinobi and non-shinobi to the roster and it became an organized paramilitary unit.

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**Sources:**

_Sakumo and the fascination with Suna's puppets _

\- Fatherhood by Minnionette ( s/8891932/1/Fatherhood)

\- Hatake Asylum by HermioneeBlack ( s/10384274/1/Hatake-Asylum)

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(Written: 8/17/19)


	5. the Morning After the Hangover

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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Follows** "**How Not to Blackmail Your Frenemies"

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**Warnings:** silliness, accidental baby-making(?), implications of sex and other drunken shenanigans.

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**[Does This Count as Accidental Baby Acquisition—Please Send Help] - ****the Morning After the Hangover (Sakumo edition)**

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Sakumo had been among the last of the Hatake shinobi of Konoha for some time now. (Many reserve/non-active Shinobi and 'civilian' relatives are quite alive and well, thank you. And they supposedly still have some very distant cousins in the Land of Iron, Snow and Lightning. Very, very, _very_ distant and not too friendly ones.)

Yet, lately, it felt like he had been more of Suna's than of Konoha's since the Konoha-Suna Alliance had been established during the last dregs of the Second War. When the Hokage had basically gifted him away as a 'gesture of goodwill'.

His month or so long stint as a prisoner in a foreign village's Torture & Interrogation Department plus 'assisting' non-allied shinobi (fellow prisoners) at the time as a joint effort to to escape had apparently been enough to make his loyalties suspect (according to the Council of Elders, at least).

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Alright, maybe the multiple data breaches that coincidentally happened during and after his capture made things really look bad. _Being almost killed by fellow Konoha-nin in multiple separate attempts_ levels of bad. Especially, considering the nature and consequences of the information. But...

No matter what the rumors said, they did not _break_ never had, and would _never_ turn on his comrades._ He was not a traitor, damn it._

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Any mention of Konohagakure no longer brought homesickness or heartache since the sniffle-filled 'disagreement' with the ever-paranoid Shimura-sensei—_necessary sacrifices my ass, he is NOT a bride to be given away by the Hokage, and I bet you're silently crying too in the Pure Lands, Kagami-sensei, for the lack of spine and sheer gall of this stunt. _

And may the man suffer a thousand indignities and a hangover—yes, courtesy of Sakumo having drank high-grade wine in his stead.

(He is a genius. Yes, he is...plastered, that is—_No, it was a mistake. Everything aches_—_why does it ache _everywhere_? Help._ Curse Hiruzen and Danzo _and especially_ the Council, this hangover _sucks_.)

Since, the brilliant Sakumo (_why is he referring to himself in the third person again?_) appeared to have challenged Satetsu no Kurogane _(his charming Suna bedside-jailer-slash-nurse...and apparently, the Sandaime Kazekage...say what?!)_ to a drinking contest and maybe a few other things last night and 'liberated' a pot of soil in the process.

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At least, that was the initial observation, as he woke up to a flowerpot in his arms and the Kage triangle hat balanced lopsidedly AND upside-down on his forehead, while being in the (admittedly comfortable and) possessive embrace of the dark-haired, half-naked man who is currently doing a better impression of being a limpet-octopus hybrid than the leader of a hidden village at the moment.

Sakumo fought against the static of not-quite-awake and narrowed his eyes. Then tried to turn to the side, but alas, Kurogane's arms seem to be made of sterner stuff and he really feels more akin to a limp noodle than anything else right now—and _ow. _

(Crushing hug of death.)_ Urgh-gh-ghhhh...his poor, poor ribs. _

So _that's_ what woke him up the first time. _Ack..._

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The Kazekage shifted and nuzzled his face into the junction of Sakumo's jaw and neck, right into one of his really sensitive spots, then took a sleepy bite. The Hatake released an pitiful whine, nose wiggling, and accepted his fate of being a chew toy with the dignity of someone with a debilitating hangover. Then, he frowned.

_Are the furniture in the background...snickering?_

_Hhn. Food for thought later when he recovers enough brain cells to move_, he finally decided and hugged the painted flowerpot closer, right next to his face.

The silver-haired shinobi spent around ten minutes or so drowsily staring at it, when what he was seeing hit him like a punch in the gut and Sakumo frowned, suddenly sober.

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How it even ended up in Suna in the first place is a mystery that may never be solved.

Ever.

Because it looks exactly like the itty-bitty-by-Senju-size-standard flowerpot his Hatake father Irakusa, bless-his-unknown-other-name-because-Hoshikusa-ojisan-still-won't-let-him-say-it, supposedly came from. And where he had been planted and 'born' from, too.

The carefully detailed designs are one of a kind, hand-painted by the prodigious healer Tema Senju himself to cheer up his frail daughter-in-law, the Lady Shiso, during her times of illness and her difficult pregnancy with Tobirama Senju. (Hah. At least, that was the official explanation.)

...And there goes the rest of his sleep.

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In hindsight, Sakumo never expected that something as trivial as a flowerpot would bring so much trouble.

Its very existence had been driving the Suna ANBU crazy all morning.

It's been driving _him_ crazy.

Because there was a very big chance that he may have drunkenly involved his newest (and equally drunk) 'friend' in planting one of his baby teeth, which the growing tiny pup seems to indicate—

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—as there had never been a _**cactus**_ in the entire history of Hatake baby-plants before.

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Kurogane-san either suffered a harmless cut from Sakumo's baby tooth (_pffft...as if_) or they made out and had a lot of drunken sex, and considering nature of the many, many, _many _hand-prints and bruises on both of them—_does this mean he's married now_—and that couldn't possibly be grounds for an alliance breach or a war, right?

They just finished with the second one...

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_...Kami_, will his child even be considered a citizen of Konoha, or of Suna?

.

.

And...wasn't the title of Kazekage _passed down the bloodline_?

.

.

.

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_...what had drunken him been thinking?!_

_._

_._

* * *

.

**Notes:** Baby cacti are called 'pups' and I just could not help myself. I have no idea where this pairing came from. Also, explaining Sakumo's lineage to outsiders and to him is going to be so complicated with all the secrecy going on.

.

**Sources:**

_Danzo as Sakumo's sensei _

\- Better to Honour by QuoteMyFoot ( s/5884037/1/Better-to-Honour)

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**Roster:**

Irakusa (nettle) [蕁麻] - the fictional name of Sakumo's 'mother' who Madara supposedly had a relationship with

Satetsu no Kurogane (black steel of the iron sand) [砂鉄の黒鋼] - the Sandaime Kazekage

Hoshikusa (hay) [干し草] - Kumade's son and Sakumo's uncle figure, who enabled many of Kangai's schemes and plant projects

Tema (effort) [手間] - the Senju Head Healer who monitored Tobirama's birth, possibly Butsuma's uncle or father

Shiso (basil) [紫蘇] - Kabocha Hatake's dark-haired daughter and Tobrama's mother

.

(written: 8/17/19 )


	6. How the Forest of Death Came to Be

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

.

_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

**Warnings:** silliness

* * *

.

.

**[Boys Will Be Boys] - How the Forest of Death Became the Forest of Death**

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.

Training Ground 44 didn't start out as the Forest of Death. It used to be unofficially called the Forest-of-Slowly-Dying-Giant-Trees-Hashirama-Randomly-Grew-One-Day until a Senju elder had a stroke of brilliance and commanded their Hatake retainers to take care of it.

(Futako-sama had apparently been ignorant of the difference between a farmer and a gardener, as all vassals evidently looked alike to nobility and Kumade never thought to correct her. She'll find out her mistake soon enough.)

.

.

The Mokuton sped up a tree's development but sapped the ground of several year's worth of nutrients in the process, leaving the grounds of what will become Training Ground 44 essentially infertile. The original custodians tried, but well...it's been a few years and the trees are still...lacking.

(At least the battlefields the Shodaime fought in had always been drenched in enough blood and bodies to keep the soil alive and over-saturated with nutrients. The irony is practically tangible enough to taste.)

.

.

But, morbidity aside, Kumade had been sick of determining priorities among dealing with sub-par overpricing seed merchants, trimming the Hyuuga courtyards into infuriating perfection (damn their Byakugan and audacity to blackmail), fixing every decorative tree and shrubbery around Konohagakure, and covering every training-related crack, Katon-afflicted scorch mark and Doton-ground rearrangement—_can't these shinobi clean after their own public messes, yada yada yada_—when the orders came.

.

He was exhausted. So, so very weary, that he allowed any unoccupied clan members free rein in dealing with their newest project.

.

.

And young, brilliant three-year old Kangai, a sample of his own cultivated breed of _sparking_—_why is it sparking?!_—slime-mold held in hand, called first dibs in appointing himself head curator of the-Forest-of-Hashirama's-Lack-of-Planning, his ever present companion, the five year-old Hoshikusa (with both arms occupied by a medium-sized sour blue watermelon) not far behind him.

.

(And okay, Kumade can admit he probably has a bit of a bias against the Shodaime, and possibly every other Mokuton user in existence. Which is mostly because the whole lot of them happened to be bumbling idiots. Annoyingly loud, overtly sensitive, sunny and charismatic idiots. Every single one of them with varying degrees of clumsy sunniness and idiocy. It must be characteristic of the Mokuton and not genetic of the entire Senju bloodline. It must be, should be the former, because the latter being true is too horrifying to contemplate.)

.

.

And, that said, maybe Kumade had been too hasty not to put an age limit, wariness rising as he listened to the two Hatake children make plans involving a more...terrifying and exotic ecosystem.

Plans involving saturating the site in enough Hatake Famine-grade Plant Food instead of the sub-par civilian Tree Food kind to not just sustain but supercharge the giant Hashirama-Loves-You-All trees, which will essentially produce the oxygen needed to supply larger and more dangerous organisms like bears and tigers and monitor lizards, but arthropods will apparently be the best and most adaptable candidates—and there goes Kangai's carnivorous toothed fungi obsession, again.

.

What is it with giant-sized, man-eating, tiger-striped mushrooms that the boy loves so much?

.

And let's rewind that train of thought into an organized list:

_One: Monstrous biota to fit monstrous trees._

_Two: Giant creepy-crawly insects..._

_._

_._

Kumade's brain decided to pull the brakes at that part.

He swallowed a whimper, pinched his nose and slowly counted backwards, willing his entomophobia to curl up in some forgotten corner and _die die die_.

Those boys are going to be the death of him.

.

Then, Kumade imagined the blackmailer Taiyo Hyuuga's stupidly smug face being punted right into the Future-Forest-of-Certain-Doom, and he changed his mind and forced himself to calmly walk away.

Playing ignorance is going to be_ bliss_.

.

.

* * *

.

** Notes:**

So...timeline-wise, this would have happened during the earliest days of Konoha, when it was barely even a proper village yet.

.

**Roster:**

Futako (twin) [二子] - a female Senju elder

Kumade (bamboo rake) [熊手] - Kama's son and head of the civilian side of the Hatake clan during the reign of the Shodaime

Taiyo (big sun) [太陽] - a branch member of the Hyuuga clan

Kangai (irrigation) [潅漑] - self-appointed curator of Training ground 44's monstrous biota, a reserve force shinobi and a close relation of Shiso, possibly a nephew

Hoshikusa (hay) [干し草] - Kumade's son and Sakumo's uncle figure, who enabled many of Kangai's schemes and plant projects


	7. Why the Hatake Had to Move Away

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

.

_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

Follows "Let Me Tell You a Story About a Pretty Samurai"

* * *

**Warnings:** implications of murder performed by children, implications of murdered people being used as fertilizer, implications of crop batches being named after murdered people, and a really creepy tree

* * *

.

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**[The Grave of the Stray Dog] - Why the Hatake Had to Move Away**

.

.

It was a universal fact that Kama was the wildest and most willful (and would grow up to be the most sadistic) of Shiroki's children.

He was also most certainly the most trouble-prone, the one to take the most effort to teach, and the one who keeps asking questions without stopping.

_"It was no small wonder Hahaue loved him so",_ Momohime, the oldest of the wolf companions, once said. The alpha spoke in wolf-speak, of course. Everyone knows only the Great Names and the spirit-touched encounter talking animals outside of stories.

(Kama also caught her calling his mother a "ma-so-chist" in the same tone. Whatever it was sounded painful.)

He specifically liked to think he has the closest relationship with Shiroki-hahaue, being the only one privy to her admittedly few secrets. But that mostly happened because he always couldn't leave well enough alone.

Curiosity and trouble had always come hand-in-hand for the young whirlwind child. And sometimes, being the keeper of his mother's mysterious past was hard, even if he wasn't even aware of it in the first place.

.

.

Their small house bordering the forest near Kyukei village had been home for a long time and Hahaue gave the impression she didn't want to leave. Kama (not even two digits old at the time) had the bigger impression she liked shinobi in general even less so, but logic was winning out.

Senju-san was right and Hahaue could not defend Kama and all his siblings on her own forever, even with him around. Especially since some of his enemies had followed them here.

(And they will come. Hokama made to apologize _again_ for putting them in danger, but a sharp look from Hahaue made him stop mid-sentence.)

Maybe Kama shouldn't have talked to the wounded shinobi in the first place. But he was hiding in Kama's tree. That's his super special secret and safe place.

Even if it was not safe anymore.

.

.

He and his six siblings could take care of the occasional trespasser—almost all their crop patches have names now—but an army of skilled and trained shinobi may be too much. Even if Hahaue wiped out the first two parties with her lightning sword and Momohime's pack, and Hokama-san used what he called his "Mou-ku-ton" to help.

Kama, Suki, Togarashi and Kabocha can do fine on their own, but someone had to watch over Mitsuba, Retasu, and Naya. And there were the two runaways, Yuri and Kaya, to consider too. They didn't even know how to fight.

And lastly, Hokama-san still has a broken leg that needs to rest from time to time, or it will heal wrong. So that left them no choice but to leave Kyukei, but only once the rest of the Senju reinforcements arrive.

.

.

Some of the Senju shinobi were nice, like that kunoichi with the dark hair and pointy face, but some of the others were mean or condensing, like Ima-san. Kama didn't know if they weren't as nice because they only saw a farmer's boy. He wonders if Ima-san will still be mean once Hahaue breaks his face.

A little part of him cannot help but be excited though. They're going to live in Hi no Kuni now!

Kama didn't know where that is exactly, but Hahaue might—she knows a lot about the places she'd gone to before—so he went to look for her. Except, he could not find her anywhere.

None of the others at home has seen her, so he checked the village, but she wasn't at the market, or the square, or anywhere else she could possibly be.

Kama was so confused. _Where could his mother have gone to?_

The child looked so lost that the village elder, Kenja-jisan, gave him a poke on the shoulder and told him his mother went to to visit his father's grave.

That made Kama even more confused.

Hahaue never spoke about ever having been married, and Kama and his siblings grew from plants, which was a secret he shouldn't tell other people.

He went to the graveyard, frowning all the way.

.

.

Kama did not find her there. Did he miss her somehow? He checked all the graves!

Well, maybe not all of them.

There was still the lone man's stone by the Bleeding Tree, and Kama shivered at the thought.

The Bleeding Tree was called that because it always bleeds. That many years ago, a man who had died really horribly had been buried there, and a tree grew on the spot overnight and started bleeding.

A much younger Kama had wanted to hear more but the other adults said eavesdropping on conversations was a bad thing and he wasn't old enough to listen to such horrid and uncanny things.

(He wisely decided not to tell that Hahaue encouraged them to eavesdrop, or that Kama had helped hunt and bury lone bandits that trespassed on their territory and is, therefore, old enough to listen to scary stories.)

.

.

They always described how ugly and scary-looking the tree was, and kept the children away because of how dangerous it was. The adults kept away too to prevent misfortune from spreading. They said the spirit of the tree never left even after many exorcisms and it was better left alone.

But looking at the moss-colored leaves, the smooth, white almost fleshy looking 'bark' and the occasional splash of red and black bleeding sap, Kama can say that it looks gnarled and strange but somehow pretty. Even if one of the branches really looks like a human arm (if you get the angle right), complete with a hand possessing what looked like fingernails, wrinkles and everything—and oh, there's Hahaue. He finally found her!

Shiroki was kneeling in front of a small stone marker, softly speaking to it, and Kama had never seen her so sad before. He didn't like it so he called out, "Hahaue, what are you doing?"

"Just saying my goodbyes, Kama-kun."

She rose and turned to her son to herd him home, but Kama had already approached the rock behind her, and his eyes went wide as he read the name on it.

"His name is Hatake too, like ours. Is he your husband?"

"I'm afraid not", Hahaue replied, brushing the dust off the marker with 'Hatake no Yaken' carved onto it. "He was a very good friend of mine. He saved me a few times, more than duty dictated, and then we saved each other." She paused. "Maybe, if we had had more time, we could have married."

.

.

"Oh." Kama deflated, then puffed up again as if he had made an important decision. "Well, Hokama-san has been making weird lovey eyes at you, but you find him annoying so you can't marry him. So Yaken-san can be tousan, even if he's dead and a tree now. And we will still be Hatake and not Senju." He hid his smile and put a foot down for emphasis. (It's what Kobocha-otouto does when he gets scarily serious, and Kama is very serious about this.)

"And so we shall." Shiroki wetly chuckled and wiped her tears away. Then she ruffled her son's hair, causing him to erupt in giggles. "Now let's get back, before Hokama-san thinks we got kidnapped."

Kama pouted. "Hokama-san always thinks you get kidnapped whenever he cannot find you. Like you're some _hime_ he should rescue, even when you can break his face."

His Hahaue gave a mischievous smile (which everyone else grew to fear, when he inherited it.) "Let's hope he finds some other hime who can do that to him then."

.

.

* * *

.

**Notes:**

And the mystery of Shiroki and the origin of the Hatake deepens.

Also, Kama is such a disaster whirlwind child whose short attention span prevented him from asking all the important questions about the demonic tree possibly made out of human body parts. Geez.

This installment also has the biggest roster of original characters so far, so hopefully the names don't get too confusing.

.

**Roster:**

Hokama (outside) [外間] - Tema's father and Butsuma's grandfather; a user of Mokuton

Momohime (hundred princess) [百姫] - the oldest and the female alpha of the Hatake wolf companions

Suki (plough) [鋤] - one of Shiroki's daughters

Tōgarashi (chili pepper) [唐辛子] - Shiroki's son who was among the first of the Hatake shinobi and has a very rare fire affinity

Kabocha (winter squash) [南瓜] - one of Shiroki's sons and father of Shiso; the prodigy of the first generation of Hatake

Mitsuba (parsley) [三つ葉] - one of Shiroki's sons

Retasu (lettuce) [萵苣] - one of Shiroki's sons; an ancestor of Nasu

Naya (outhouse) [納屋] - one of Shiroki's daughters

Yuri (lily) [百合] - a runaway serving girl who made her way to Kyukei

Kaya (yew) [榧] - an orphan who ended up in the Hatake farmlands

Ima (living room) [居間] - a haughty Senju shinobi

Kenja (wise man) [賢者] - the Kyukei village elder

Hatake no Yaken (stray dog of the farmlands) [畑の 野犬] - a mysterious nameless samurai from Shiroki's past

Shiroki (white sake presented as an offering to the gods) [白酒] - supposedly the first Hatake, a very pretty samurai-turned-farmer with more missing teeth than scars

Kama (sickle) [鎌] - a Hatake elder who was once the shinobi clan head

.

Kyukei (rest) [休憩] - a village in Sogen no Kuni where Shiroki brought his brood of children and raised them


	8. Kagami (and Danzo) vs the Dandelions

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

.

_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

It's one of those "Kama-out-to-prank-and-terrify-Kagami" days and Danzo just wants some sleep.

Set a little after Kagami learns the Hatake secret but before Sakumo is planted in "the Mirror that Fulfills Wishes".

* * *

**Warnings:** silliness, Kama being low-key terrifying, dandelions

* * *

.

.

**[Once Upon a Dream, Keep on Dreaming] - Kagami (and Danzo) vs the Dandelions**

.

.

The banging would have put Danzo Shimura on full alert on any other day, but this was one of his really rare rest days and he was _tired_. He even had all the paperwork filed and everything for a sweet and relaxing day of nothing but much needed sleep.

So, fighting through heavy, heady slumber and only half-succeeding in forcing his sand-crusted eyelids open, he slid the door wide with the enthusiasm of growing grass and glared at the intruder with bleary eyes.

"Kagami," Danzo groused,"it's an ungodly hour in the morning. What are you even doing here?"

.

Kagami gripped his teammate by the hems of his sleeping yukata with both hands—_damn it, Kagami, you're going to strip me naked_—and pulled him so close their foreheads were actually touching. Breathing the same air-level of close and in near-kissing distance. _Eww._ "Danzoooo, hide me from Kama. Please. He's been finding me everywhere." Kagami shook him in emphasis. "_Everywhere._"

The Uchiha's eyes darted from side to side in uncharacteristic paranoia, and he whispered. "I think the lionweeds have been singing to him."

"Singing...lionweeds? Ugh. Don't you mean..." Danzo scrunched his nose in concentration, "...dandelions? And they most certainly do not sing. You ridiculous Uchiha, stop speaking nonsense." He finally took a proper look at Kagami and added, "You need some sleep. I...definitely need some. Right now," and made to turn away.

.

Said Uchiha wailed, hands waving wildly and the pupils of his baggy eyes dark and wide, "I'm not joking. I know _things_ now. Deep, dark and devastating secret Hatake things they can kill me over," before performing even more hand-waving at Danzo's dubious face.

Annoyed, Danzo blinked and unapologetically said, "Sorry, but I just...cannot take you seriously when you're covered in dandelion fluff."

.

Kagami made a noise not unlike that of a dying whale. "The dandelions are all in league with him! They're practically the same species. He's been using them to track me down."

"Obviously, with that trail of dandelion seeds you've been leaving." He sniffed and gave a halfhearted dismissive gesture. "Just burn them down with your Katon."

"I _tried_. There's too many of them. See?"

.

Danzo followed the finger pointing at yet another wave of dandelion seeds, and _wow_, they all _are_ heading towards Kagami like iron fillings to a magnet. The Uchiha ran in circles, then in a figure eight pattern, while being tailed by a hilarious floating line of tiny fluffy parachutes to prove his point.

"Huh." He blinked. "I wonder what kind of jutsu is responsible for that. It'll be useful for finding someone." Then stopped as something suddenly occurred to him.

"This doesn't even make sense. Dandelions are out of season. How are they even—this must be a dream," he concluded out loud.

"And you," he pointed at Kagami. "You won't take me alive, stealer of sleep!"

The Uchiha gave him a look of complete disbelief. "Shimura!"

.

Wow, this dream even got Kagami's rare serious face and tone right. What a near-believable dream, except for the fact Kagami's (and anyone else's) ridiculousness should never have any place in his fantasies.

It wasn't really difficult to figure out what he should do. So he just gave a simple "I'm going back to bed. Goodbye and _goodnight_, 'Kagami-kun'," before sliding the door shut in the Uchiha's face.

.

Kagami stood in stupefied silence for a few seconds, then he slammed into the door and banged his fists. "Danzo, no! _Don't leave me here!_"

.

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* * *

.

**Notes: **I was actually typing this instead of sleeping because I was having difficulty, and "I really want to sleep" just bled _everywhere_. Also, now you know what plant Kama Hatake grew from: dandelions!

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**Roster:**

Kama (sickle) [鎌] - a Hatake elder who was once the shinobi clan head


	9. The Many Tales of Shiroi-shi and Yaken

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

.

_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

(Companion to "Let Me Tell You a Story About a Pretty Samurai" and set before "The Grave of the Stray Dog")

Read "Let Me Tell You a Story About a Pretty Samurai" and "The Grave of the Stray Dog" for this to make sense.

* * *

**Warnings:** rumors, an implied avunculate marriage, implied non-consensual genital mutilation, and a gruesome death

* * *

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**[There was Once a Lady and a Samurai] - The Many Tales of Setsugen no Shiroi-shi and Senjou no Yaken**

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There are tales of a samurai with the name of a dog and his lord's wife that originated in Tetsu no Kuni, and they all went a little differently.

.

Each one started out the same. That there was once a nameless samurai who was called Senjou no Yaken, for he fought like a rabid dog in battle and outlived all manner of friends and foes, even his masters.

Unlike his contemporaries, he desired neither wealth nor power nor recognition, merely the most basic of necessities like clothing and a place to stay for the night. Whether serving the richest nobles or even the poorest of farmers he gave no complaint.

(And it was because of this that he was known to the common folk as Hatake no Yaken, a stray dog of the farmlands.)

His prowess in success, obedience, and humility were found to be even more valuable than his reputation for survival. And so the lords from all lands clamored for his services.

.

.

They say he eventually came under service to a lord of some great influence in the Land of Iron. And that the lord commanded Yaken to protect and watch over his wife.

For the lady was lonely with only her husband for company, and was too shy to even mingle with servants. And the lord had declared her health fragile and forbade her access to the outside world.

(And truthfully, her countenance, carefully bred from ancestors originating from Yuki no Kuni and Kaminari no Kuni, was so lovely her husband feared she may be taken away.)

.

.

So Yaken did as he was bade, and found tales of her health and shyness to be nothing more than rumor. But her loveliness and grace truly were beyond compare, and his weary mind found a balm in her presence. And so too, did the lady find comfort in him, for she truly yearned for a friend, and especially loved listening to his tales of past journeys in lands far away.

They grew close, more than duty dictated, and truly became close friends.

But the lady hid a great, terrible and painful shame, and what Yaken discovered, changed everything between them.

.

(What this secret was, no one was sure of. But what was evident was that the lady could no longer stay with her husband.)

.

.

And as to what particular series of events occurred after...well. Almost everyone seemed to have an opinion of what happened.

.

.

The _goze_ of Asatsusato implied that the two had become lovers.

They said that the samurai took his sweet lady and fled with her into the night. And that the lord, furious at the discovery come morning, brought the wrath of all his warriors and mercenaries upon his traitorous servant, but could not find any trace of the two.

It was as if they has gone and disappeared into the spirit realm to live in peace. And the lord searched and searched until he suddenly died of a wasting sickness.

.

This was only one of the very few happy endings that existed for this tale.

.

.

In Kurihama, Yaken supposedly brought the lady to a far away village where she could spend the rest of her days basking in simple joys. And that he returned to his master with his honor and integrity intact, and met his execution with aplomb. The lord then had his corpse quartered and scattered all over the land, so that his ghost could never find rest and would wander forever.

.

A variation of the tale in nearby Shimada added that the lady heard word of what happened to her protector and spent weeks retrieving every part of his body, before burying them under a tree and disappearing into unknown places. And in some other cases, that she hanged herself to join him in death.

.

.

Okugawa maintained that Senjou no Yaken left his lady to her freedom and took on a ward, a eunuch who will become known as Setsugen no Shiroi-shi. And that these two comrades-in-arms would go on many adventures until they finally meet their death in some nameless battle.

In some tales, these two were lovers, while in others, they are but master and devoted apprentice.

.

(In an inn not far from Okugawa, there was once a ronin who came in with a lady and left with a man they never saw enter the establishment. The innkeeper called the guards to investigate the possible murder of a noblewoman, but they found no trace of her in the end.

It was as if she never existed in the first place.)

.

.

One of the more popular tales in Shimotani told of the final battle of Hatake no Yaken and his apprentice Shiroi-shi. But in this, the lord's men eventually caught up to the two, and grievously outnumbered and worn down after killing wave after wave of mercenaries and warriors, Yaken sent his comrade away (or knocked him out and hid him). The ronin was then eventually beaten, held down and decapitated, and his head sent to the lord as proof of death.

.

In some versions of the same tale Shiroi-shi succeeded in avenging him, while in others he surrendered the sword in grief and spent his last days in self-exile, trying to forget his failure.

.

.

Each tale came with a hint of the truth. Every tale is a lie.

.

.

(In Nishikawa, the people still curse the madness of Yoshimuda Seido even after many years. While the succeeding Daimyo sent out the annual search party to find traces of his predecessor's missing nephew-wife, to no avail.)

.

.

In the outskirts of little village in Sogen no Kuni called Kyukei—where Setsugen no Shiroi-shi once buried his master's chopped up remains in the ground as opposed to a burial mound—an old farmer named Kenja assisted a bedraggled mother and her brood of equally tired children from their long and arduous journey.

.

The one-eyed woman, who had fainted upon arrival due to malnutrition and exhaustion, introduced herself as Shiroki Hatake.

.

.

* * *

.

**Notes: **Well. I suppose that answers a lot on the question of Shiroki's identity. Now the real questions are: who is Senjou/Hatake no Yaken and where did the children-from-the-teeth come from?

Also, I really hate geography and pinpointing all these locations was very tiring and made me stare at the Naruto world map a lot more than I ever wanted or needed to.

.

This is going to be my last post in a while. Sadly, my updates are going to be more rare from now on due to my new hectic schedule. Ah well...

.

**Warnings:** rumors, an implied avunculate marriage, implied non-consensual genital mutilation, and a gruesome death

.

**Roster:**

Senjou no Yaken (stray dog of the battlefield) [戦場の 野犬] - the previous moniker of Hatake no Yaken

Hatake no Yaken (stray dog of the farmlands) [畑の 野犬] - a mysterious nameless samurai from Shiroki's past

Setsugen no Shiroi-shi (white death of the snowfield) [雪原の白い死] - Shiroki's previous identity as Yaken's partner

Yoshimuda Seido (reason squandered - righteous path) [由無駄 - 正道] - the husband and uncle of Shiroki and the previous Daimyo of Tetsu no Kuni

Kenja (wise man) [賢者] - the Kyukei village elder

Shiroki (white sake presented as an offering to the gods) [白酒] - supposedly the first Hatake, a very pretty samurai-turned-farmer with more missing teeth than scars

.

Asatsusato (morning village) [朝つ里] - a village in Kawa no Kuni (Land of Rivers)

Kurihama (chestnut beach) [栗浜] - a village of the coast of Ta nu Kuni (Land of Rice Paddies)

Shimada (island ricefield) [島田] - a village not far from Kurihama

Okugawa (back river) [奥川] - a village bordering Tsuchi no Kuni (Land of Earth) and Taki no Kuni (Land of Waterfalls)

Shimotani (lower valley) [下谷] - a village north of Kaze no Kuni (Land of Wind)

Nishikawa (west river) [西川] - the capital of Tetsu no Kuni (Land of Iron)

Kyukei (rest) [休憩] - a village in Sogen no Kuni where Shiroki brought his brood of children and raised them

Sogen no Kuni (Land of Prairies) [草原の国] - the country where Kusagakure is located


	10. Sakumo Reads Danzo's Diary

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

.

_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

For drelfina because of something you said that spawned this in the first place. I cannot remember what, but this is mostly your fault. Somehow. (Also, I'm sorry, but still no direct mushroom action. Mushrooms still get an honorary mention, though.)

And for Keanblade because of a particular sentence in this that was directly inspired by the idea and the comment thread in Kindling chapter 7.

Set sometime after Sakumo learns about the non-Hatake half of his parentage in his early teens and many years before the Second Shinobi War.

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**Warnings: **silliness, one-sided relationship, embarrassment

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[**the Secret Memoirs of a Shinobi] - Sakumo reads Danzo's Diary**

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Sakumo had known Madara Uchiha for a long time, since he was a toddler, really. But he hadn't really _known_ the man. To him, he had always been Dara-sama, then the Nidaime, originally visiting him for reasons he never really knew about beyond the man taking a liking to him, then due to the man perhaps seeing a kindred spirit in him or something like that, then seeing him as a son-figure of sorts.

But to think that he was actually the man's son-by-blood...somehow made sense in hindsight. He just wished he had more time to spend with him (a regret that will haunt him many years later). To ask questions, mainly. He has many questions as to how he ended up with his other father, what their relationship was like (when everyone else seemed to think they were just friends), those sorts of things and maybe other father-son things too, things without the buffer of one being the Nidaime and the other being a subordinate shinobi.

It was both a blessing and a curse that Daizu forbid him from asking the man in a straightforward manner. (He felt that the clan head was a little too protective of him at times that it felt a bit obsessive. But then Kagami-sensei, who'd apparently been in on the secret since the beginning, had actually been worse when he was alive. Or so Nasu told him with great amusement.)

Asking around Team Tobirama as a group had been out of the question too (when he had wanted to learn more about Tobirama Senju). Sarutobi-san certainly seemed sentimental enough to regale him with many stories of his sensei, but Utatane-san and Homura-san had been a little too sharp and he'd been forbidden from asking them. And since the only other people he could ask more about Madara-sama happened to be the remaining members of Team Madara and the Uchiha clan, he found himself in a bit of a bind.

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Sakumo didn't know how, but Nasu somehow found out about his little corundum and decided to do something about it. (This is also why Nasu is his favorite relative. He just wished the fact didn't prove to be such a double-edged sword at times, and the horrid payback always happened much, much later.)

He didn't really know what they told Danzo-sensei, but one day, the man known to most as the Shadow of Shinobi handed him a large collection of journals, saying, "These were written during all my years during the academy under Tobirama Senju then as the student of Madara Uchiha. For you to know more about them."

(And really, how could people call the man the most spiteful, warmongering and cruel of shinobi when he does things like this? They must really be lacking in observational skills.)

"My position does not grant me plenty of free time to indulge your curiosity, my little student, but you are free to ask my surviving teammate, Torifu Akimichi if you have more questions."

Danzo gave a smirk and patted him on the head like a puppy, the very same way Kagami-sensei used to do that a much younger Sakumo used to hate but now tolerated...mostly.

"Just be careful not to let him stuff you with too much food when you visit," was his parting warning before leaving in a flurry of autumn-colored robes.

No shunshin, but still a dramatic yet non-flashy exit. (He'd definitely been spending a lot of time with Nasu.)

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Sakumo spent the next few days in wonder, because Danzo wrote down everything, his attention to every single detail in his recollections nearly perfect. Sakumo greedily ate it all up, his time in the academy under the tutelage of Tobirama Senju, the beginning days of Danzo, Kagami and Torifu as Madara Uchiha's genin team and all their shenanigans in and out of missions, of the deep brotherhood between the Shodaime and the Nidaime, and of the really strange and easy bond the Uchiha had with the White Oni.

Then next few days after _that_ he spent in a mix of regret, dismay and embarrassment, because his sensei apparently writes down _everything_. And when he meant everything, he meant EVERYTHING, embarrassing details from childhood to puberty and extremely detailed forays into romantic relationships included.

From his breakfast ritual of the day, to that detail of dirt pattern on Kagami's face after a spar with their sensei sent him kissing the ground, to the strange not-language of long silent looks and gestures between Tobirama and Madara (Danzo still hasn't cracked the code on that one, and he had Kagami helping him for _years_), to wax-poetic descriptions of their sparring partner Nasu as they performed—_oh Kami no, the images, the most traumatizing of IMAGES are permanently seared in his brain now, why, Kami have mercy. Every surface in the Hokage's office, really? Ceilings included? And silk scarves and feathers? Peaches and bean paste? And a tub of mustard? Seriously? Where are the good amnesia drugs when you need them_—

And that should have stopped the Hatake's forays into Danzo's diaries. Maybe risking exposing his parentage and possibly putting the Hatake in jeopardy and accidentally restarting the Senju-Uchiha feud would be worth it and—nope. He can't do it. Daizu will kill him. And Nasu...will be disappointed. _Damn it._ Sakumo took a deep breath, and dove back into the journals of intrigue and iniquity, confident that at least no one else will know about this.

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#

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Seikan Senju was just finishing up a solo D-rank, Tora number three—_or was it four? or five? seven? Why did the Daimyo's wife give all her hellspawn cats the exact same name every damn time?!_—finally calmed with a sprig of catnip and perched securely atop his head when he caught sight of a familiar figure, semi-curled in a shy, self-conscious posture, with silver-white hair tied securely into a long cascading tail (it's so long a huge selection of women and men are actually jealous) and a brightly colored book (which he'd been seeing a lot of lately) in the shinobi's hands.

"Uh...Sakumo, are you alright?" Seikan inquired his teammate, who was looking rather beet-faced. "You've been acting a bit weird for days since you started reading those books. And really, what's so special about that thing anyway?"

Silence.

"Hey! Are you even listening to me?"

The Senju frowned, waving a hand over Sakumo's frankly queasy and horrified expression, but there was still no reaction from the prodigy. It's so out of character of him. A few more minutes of fruitless attention-calling (because if Seikan is a professional at anything, it's at taking other people's attentions) the Hatake's teammate was finally fed up.

"Give me that," Seikan went over his much shorter friend's shoulder and snagged the book, to the Sakumo's protest of "Hey!", and he took a peek at the open page and scanned a passage aloud. "Hhm...lovely columns of ivory flesh, soft as a milk calf...dancing sprite of summer...frost sparkling under the soft morning light...romantic _blahblahblah._.." Sakumo's teammate paused at "the torturous wet heat around my throbbing... flesh."

Flipped through a few more passages of what can only be described as some really descriptive hardcore sex. Then he snapped the book closed and blinked. Took a long hard (and slightly disbelieving) look at Sakumo then back at the book and blinked again.

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Sakumo wanted to disappear. He'd been so preoccupied Seikan had seen him and hadn't overreacted. Leave it to the dead-last to be calm in the face of shame. The Senju's confidence and thick skin in the face of rejection, scorn and ridicule had been one of the largest reasons behind Sakumo's childhood (and teenage years, and he still sort-of has a bit of a) crush on him. (That, and he's a lot more fashion-tasteful and social-savvy than Dai, though they're both just as ridiculous.)

"My really studious and prodigious teammate who I admire very much," Seikan began, and Sakumo had to sneak a quick look because _Seikan admires him?!_ "Why are you reading porn? And the really flowery romantic kind at that? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"Itsnotporn," the Hatake mumbled. "And the correct term would be erotica." (_Kami_, his teammate thought he was reading _porn_, of all things. Where's a convenient hole to crawl under and die in when he needs it?)

"What?"

Sakumo groaned in defeat, then repeated what he said, only much clearer. "It's not a porn. Danzo-sensei wrote it." He took another peek at his teammate, and yup, there it is. That "my brain just broke" eye-twitch.

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Seikan looked mind-blown, like the entire universe had upended and vomited rainbows and singing kunai all over the place. The Senju performed a short genjutsu dissipation technique (because someone—a foreign shinobi Sakumo had dosed with hallucinogenic mushrooms that one time—had put him under a genjutsu exactly like that one once, naked dancing Warring States Era shinobi clad only in strategically-placed mist clouds included. Oh, and they were on fire too. That had been one really weird and eventful chunin exam.)

And when nothing happened, Seikan was forced to confront the reality that this is real and not a genjutsu-induced hallucination and continued with, "So...Danzo-sensei...moonlights as a porn-writer?"

"No!" the Hatake denied hotly, cheeks burning and voice really small. "He doesn't write porn. It's his diary. He just lent me some to read stuff about my Tousan. He's just...really thorough and...fancy in describing...everything."

Then it was Seikan's turn to blush, murmuring. "Everything. He writes _everything_ like this? I wonder if sensei's mission reports are as...thorough as this. The shinobi working in Administration must be having a good time reading his missives." The Senju gave the journal a second wary glance. " A very, _very_ good time."

Why did Sakumo ever liked him again? (_Oh, yeah. Exactly because of this, sadly._)

.

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But his teammate was on a roll now, connection after connection coming to his brain like the endless series of dumb and crazy but workable plans he still occasionally suggests during mission sitreps. "But I get it. It all makes sense. This must be the _real_ reason they call Shimura-sensei the Shadow of Shinobi. It's because he knows what lies within a shinobi's heart. He has a bird's eye view on all our darkest, deepest, and kinkiest desires!" came the Senju's epiphany.

"Ugh, Seikan, please. Shut up." (Can Sakumo get struck and killed by lightning now? Please, _Kami?_)

"No! The truth cannot be denied," his teammate shot a hand, the very one holding Danzo-sensei's most private thoughts, to the heavens with a lot more force than what was necessary and he overbalanced. Tora number whatever slipped and panicked and clung to the Senju with all the power of an agitated cat.

"Ouch! Stupid cat, that hurts. Stop it! Yow-weech-ow ow ow ow..." Seikan struggled with the yowling ball of fur and claws, whirling and pivoting frantically as he tried to remove it from his face. Tora screeched in distress and clung harder, yowling. Seikan screamed back. And back and forth they went.

And Sakumo watched with bated breath as the journal slipped through the Senju's sweaty hands and flew up beyond the tree canopy. Up into the air. Somewhere.

Leaves and broken twigs fell around them.

"Oops," Seikan said, Tora meowing pitifully from the side of his head.

"Oops," Sakumo repeated softly, as if from far away, and his hands shook.

Then, he punched the Senju in the face.

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* * *

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**Notes:**

Sakumo, dear, I'm pretty sure a 'crush' that survived childhood and teenage hormones up to adulthood isn't just a crush. Ah well, what Seikan doesn't know won't hurt him.

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**Roster:**

Seikan (space between stars) [星間] - Obito's non-Uchiha parent and Sakumo's teammate

Daizu (soybean) [大豆] - the Hatake shinobi clan head at the time of the First Shinobi War

Nasu (eggplant) [茄子] - a Hatake shinobi who is teammates with Yosa Aburame and Shinsui Uchiha


	11. A tale of Seikan Senju and Sakumo Hatake

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

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(Timeline-wise this starts with Seikan at six years old and Sakumo at four, and ends right at the ill-fated mission where Sakumo saved his comrades and got captured in return.)

Read "the Secret Memoirs of a Shinobi" first.

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**Warnings:** misgendering, silliness, angst, unrequited love

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**[****the Clumsy Shinobi and ****the Mushroom Princess] - a tale of Seikan Senju and Sakumo Hatake**

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Seikan Senju was always a screw-up when it came to Sakumo Hatake. It's a sad and repeatedly proven fact. He never really meant any harm or anything. Things just seem to get awry with Seikan on one end and Sakumo on the other.

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It started like this.

He was six years old when they first met. A mix of clan and clanless children had been planning on playing ninja, and their mission that day involved fighting in a castle. However, they were missing a princess to rescue.

Everyone agreed that the _hime_ should be very pretty—

"The most prettiest," came the agreement from Koichi.

"...with the longest and softest hair," Hanami added.

"...and the most beautiful eyes..." dictated Sei.

—but none of them quite fit the very high standards they had established.

.

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"This is stupid," Satoshi Nara spoke up. "We already have a real princess with us. Tsunade-chan can be our _hime_ to rescue."

Tsunade Senju pouted and crossed her arms. "No. I won't do it. I want to be a ninja and rescue the _hime_ too. You go find someone else." She made shooing motions at him.

Seikan groaned. "You don't act like one anyway," he told the Shodaime's granddaughter and his many times removed cousin, which earned him a punch he barely dodged. "Hey, Sei, what did your mother say about princesses again?"

"Well, kaasan said they should be 'demure' and 'graceful'...oh, and should always have their face covered with a veil," Sei concluded.

Seikan perked up; that sounded very familiar. "Like the Hatake do?"

"Um...something like that, but in much, much more nicer looking clothes."

"They're farmers. A retainer clan under the Senju," Tsunade said. "We can't just steal one away to play with us. They might be busy and can't waste any time doing nothing but sit around pretending to be a captive _hime_."

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.

And there went their last hope. Satoshi flopped on the ground, unhappy.

Koichi turned to the only other girl in their play group. "If it's alright with you, Hanami, maybe you can be a kunoichi next time—"

"Sorry for interrupting," Shinsui Uchiha said, suddenly poking his head out of some bushes and eliciting a half-scream from Seikan. "But I know a Hatake who can play with you."

"Aren't you supposed to be with Oni-en right now?" Tsunade asked.

The Uchha shrugged. "Well, Senju-hime, some of us were tending to the flower gardens near here and you guys were so loud I could hear everything from there." Hanami blushed the moment she looked at him, causing Sei to narrow his eyes at the newcomer.

Satoshi sat up. "What's this about a Hatake?"

"As I was saying, Sakumo broke an ankle and will make a perfect princess—"

"Bring her here," the Nara interjected. "I can't take any more of this."

After Shinsui nodded and disappeared from the leaves to fetch their princess, someone asked, "...Isn't Sakumo a little weird to be a girl's name?"

"I don't care." Satoshi was being a little rude, but the others were too happy to complain. They have a _hime_ now and Seikan was especially excited to play.

.

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Shinsui came back not long after, carrying a much smaller child in his arms. He set her down and Seikan took his first look at Sakumo and...she had the longest and prettiest hair he had ever seen. It went past the tiny shoulders and back in a loose braid, and was easily longer than both Tsunade and Hanami's hair put together. (She was also very small, especially compared to him, but then the adults say that Senju children are really big for their age, so Sakumo must be tinier than a normal child.)

The Senju was captivated. Then his clumsy feet decided to ruin the moment and cause him to face-plant into the ground. (Except his face didn't land on the ground as much as it was the rock with Sakumo perched on it. And so the Hatake ended up with a lap full of Seikan's squished face.)

Sakumo squeaked in surprise. "Un...are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he called out, quickly jumping to his feet and holding out a dirty hand. "Hi! I'm Seikan Senju...and you're Sakumo Hatake. I haven't seen you in the village. Have you played ninja out here before?"

The Hatake shook her head. And in the next few minutes, Seikan learned that Sakumo is bad at gardening and farming anything except mushrooms (something about 'spores' loving her hair so much a ring of mushrooms grows around her when she forgets to go home and sleeps outdoors overnight), that she broke her ankle trying to help with trimming the really tall Hashirama trees, and that this is her first time playing out with people who are not clan, or volunteers from Oni-en, or Dara-sama (whoever he is).

Satoshi then interrupted, berating Seikan to stop sweet-talking their princess because they have enough time to talk later _after_ they rescue her.

Seikan scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "You just sit there and be our magic mushroom _hime_, okay?"

"_Mushroom hime?!_ But I'm..." Sakumo bit her lip and sighed. " Never mind. What do I have to do once I get rescued?"

"Um...the princess always gives a favor like a kiss or a ribbon..." Seikan blushed. "Ah...just follow my lead when I get to you."

"Ah. Okay."

.

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Seikan got to the castle first and was the one to rescue AND receive a _kiss_ from the _hime_, of course. He bragged about it all the way home where he was informed that all Hatake are considered male unless stated otherwise.

So he got kissed by a boy. Oops.

They could still be friends, right?

(Tsunade taunted him about being such a loser, to which he replied that Sakumo was too pretty to be a boy anyway, so he'll always be a secret princess to him.)

Sakumo went beet red and almost forgot to breathe after he said it the next morning. (And that proved that Seikan somehow always messed up, it seemed, whenever it came to the Hatake. It practically became the defining pattern of their relationship, but for some reason Sakumo seemed to admire him all the more for it.)

.

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He was twelve and Sakumo was ten when they ended up in Team Kagami with Umehana Uchiha. It was one of the best and worst times of his life, going on a few crazy and weird adventures with his best friend Sakumo, a silent but ever present support always following him in life no matter the obstacle.

The Hatake even became his wing-man when it came to the Senju's decision of wooing Umehana. Sakumo had gotten teary-eyed, which frightened Seiken at first but he said they were happy tears, the Hatake just received some news about his father and was feeling a little off, is all. (Sakumo is his closest friend; he wouldn't _lie_ to him.)

Then came marriage and then his sweet darling son Obito. And Seikan and Sakumo...drifted apart over the years, busy with separate priorities and missions. But they always tried to keep track of the other, the clumsy shinobi forever pulling his mushroom princess by the hand as they flee the castle since the former was six and the latter was four.

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Seikan thought that their bond would last forever, and that he would do Sakimo right one day. But the chance never came.

The next (and last) time they met again, during the war, Sakumo was covered in the blood of their pursuers, and Seikan and his surviving teammates weren't doing so well from their extended detainment, and the enemy was closing in on them. Fast.

The Hatake, wearing an expression he couldn't quite decipher, gave a soft lingering kiss on his forehead before handing them the last of his supplies of weapons and rations. Told him to return to his wife and son, who both need him. And with that, Seikan knew Sakumo wasn't going to follow him home. Not this time.

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(His princess didn't need him anymore.)

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* * *

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**Notes:** Damn it. This Seikan and Sakumo piece was supposed to be all happy and ridiculous and cute. I have no idea where all this heartbreak came from. Grr.

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**Roster:**

Seikan (space between stars) [星間] - Obito's non-Uchiha parent and Sakumo's teammate

Koichi (fortune-one) [幸一] - one of Seikan's Senju cousins

Hanami (flower-not yet) [華未] - a civilian girl

Sei (momentum) [勢] - a boy from a merchant family

Satoshi (logical) [論] - a boy from the Nara clan

Shinsui (deep water) [深水] Shoga Hatake's slash-and-burn Uchiha partner in Oni-en

Umehana (sea blossom) [海花] - Obito's mother and wife of Seikan


	12. Syuon vs Tobirama's Paperwork Nightmare

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

**Warnings:** silliness

* * *

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**[A Day in the Life of a Hokage Bodyguard] - Syuon vs Tobirama's Paperwork Nightmare**

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Syuon Kochi was barely a month into his position and his first posting is already an uncontested disaster.

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The Hokage Guard Platoon was not created to primarily protect the Hokage from attempts on his life as most people would deign to think. Instead, they were there to make sure that Hashirama-sama does not slack off on his duties, such as signing the boring paperwork necessary to keep the village organized and functioning; keep him from being distracted or late to meetings because some random shrubbery or tree or flower would have such engaging gossip that he just had to listen in; prevent him from certainly breaking his serious face during negotiations and clan meetings and acting like a "tree-brained, over-excitable and naive fool of a best friend" as Madara-sama would have called him at least once a day; and making sure that the God of Shinobi does not get the opportunity to dump his workload on someone else.

That someone else usually being his already overworked little brother, who somehow managed to juggle clan head duties atop jutsu research, education administration, urban development, ANBU creation and assignment and so on and so forth for a few of Konohagakure's earliest years until Madara-sama found out about it and handled an intervention. By putting his foot down. Literally. (The gigantic fiery Susanoo one, if you want to be specific.)

Syuon admires Tobirama-sama. He really does. He's brilliant and talented and capable of creating so many wondrous things—and, no Yuato, shut up, he isn't envious of the albino and he is certainly _not_ having a bisexual crisis either—he doesn't ever even want to _be_ the man.

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Being the Hokage's bodyguard means being privy to the more intimate relationships among the Hokage's family and friends. That also means knowing about personal and private details that would smash public confidence into smithereens should these secrets ever find the light of day. Such as knowing that Tobirama-sama's self-care is practically non-existent in direct contrast to his organization and work ethic. Or that he is forever fighting an uphill battle in reining in his older brother's gambling, drinking and idealistic tendencies. (Count is at three 'victories' out of every ten...and _Kami, how is their village still standing?_)

Which is honestly insane and just looking at the Senju perform all his duties (and more) makes the Syuon's heart want to twist, his brain to curdle, and his eyes to water from sheer sympathy aches alone. His sister would have risked treason and nabbed the man to fatten up had she still been alive to do so. And he would have helped her every step of the way. Even if he had been too young at the time, witnessing his lowly peasant parents overwork themselves to death had left an impression.

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Now, childhood traumas and _non_-existent bisexual crushes aside, it should be noted that Hashirama-sama and paperwork do not mix. Honestly, the words "Shodaime Hokage-sama" and "paperwork" cannot exist in the same sentence without the words "escape", "ruin", "defeated by", "origami" or anything negative or nonsensical along those lines bridging them. "Madara-sama" and "paperwork" sometimes has the word "fire" tattooed in between, but at least the Uchiha hands in his mostly complete (and sometimes smelling of barbecue) portion on time. The Shodaime, on the other hand, had to be wrangled and cajoled into finishing his workload once he gets past the point of his admittedly impressive short attention span.

(And the blame lies not in the man, but in his bloodline limit. Tobirama-sama had explained it once, even though Syuon didn't really understand some parts of it. Something about how plants are static, responsive only to certain external stimuli, and Mokuton users adapted to their plant-sense by having shorter attention spans and sunny personalities, in order to prevent them from growing mad from the constant monotony of the information they receive from flora. Add that to the fact that paper and furniture made from different individual plants, even if they are the same kind or species, apparently comes off as abominations to those with the bloodline limit and it freaks them out. Or something like that.)

Making the task more difficult are Hashirama-sama's frankly ridiculous excuses and melodramatic attempts at sneaking out to avoid the grueling task of reading, filling out and signing stack after stack after stack of forms. Seeing the God of Shinobi wail, _"I'm going to die buried in paperwork! Why can't otouto do it?!_" before the proceeding waterworks pretty much removed most of the awe-factor in the man's presence (and made Syuon much better at this job, thank the Kami.)

Honestly. And he thought the Uchiha were supposed to be the dramatic ones.

.

.

Which brought them to this...

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"What do you mean you can't find him anywhere?!" his partner Yuato cried out, hands trying not to pull his hair out in panic. Syuon wasn't in a better mood himself, half-wanting to slap the man in order to shut him up and prevent him from wearing through the floor with his endless pacing.

The Hokage had somehow given them the slip using wood clones and a haphazard chase that got cut short with the hot springs and a few close calls with angry women. It's been hours and hours of fruitless searching for the ANBU squad specifically assigned for Hokage-sitting, and the pile of paperwork had slowly multiplied to ludicrous stacks, but not in the way one would think.

.

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Syuon should explain.

.

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Madara-sama had only given three distinct orders to follow to their utmost ability.

One: Never ever lose sight of the Hokage

Two: Never let the Hokage turn his paperwork in late.

Three: Do not, under any circumstances...let the paper _breed_.

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The shinobi didn't understand the last one at first. He thought that Madara-sama was just being metaphorical. Until the Shodaime gave them the slip for the first time, and the shinobi watched in disbelief as the abandoned stack of papers, for all intents and purposes, multiplied _exponentially_ on its own.

Both Syuon and Yuato could not comprehend what they just saw, and asking senior officer Shiba only caused the Inuzuka shinobi to go drown himself on the secret on-duty stash and his partner Ginmaru to cover her eyes with her paws and howl in distress. Oh, but not before the man left the most disturbing warning: "Tobirama-sama made sure that the Shodaime will never again 'displace' any of his paperwork. With a very good added incentive as to why he should never turn them in late. Ever. So, I am telling you now. _Do not piss off the Senju Demon_."

.

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And now, watching Shiba and Yuato attempt to push the multiplying tide of paper with the sheer weight of their backs in order to seal the office behind them, Syuon is filled with a sense of impending defeat.

He's such a failure. An utter_ failure_—

And Madara Uchiha suddenly barged in, dragging the missing shrieking Shodaime by the ear and issuing threat after threat of death, Mito and Tobirama (in that order) at the top of his lungs. Hashirama cried, hands waving wildly then shrinking in concession.

And Syuon thought, that perhaps things will look up after all and Madara-sama and Tobirama-sama will not have their hides.

.

.

Then, as if a sign that the gods do have a wicked sense of humor, the door to the Hokage's office finally gave, and the unrelenting tsunami of paper surged in and made to swallow them all whole.

In that split second, Yuato and Shiba fell, Hashirama tried to jump away only to be tripped by Madara, who was halfway from unleashing a katon firestorm before remembering where he was (and who would be pissed the most should he burn the end month's worth of reports) and shunshined out of there. (Presumably to get Tobirama to earn himself some brownie points.)

And as for Syuon?

Syuon panicked and screamed.

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The three bodyguards ended up in the infirmary to be treated for thousands of paper cuts. It was torture.

Syuon, who developed an acute phobia of paper, had a breakdown when he had to fill out his discharge form and transferred out to a different department (one where he didn't have to interact with paper at any form, with the exception of destroying it.)

Hashirama, meanwhile, got the lecture of his life from Tobirama, while a smug Madara watched on from somewhere behind the younger Senju brother (where he is free to admire the view.)

It was a very, very good day for Madara.

.

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* * *

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**Notes:**

The accursed piles of paperwork on the Hokage's desk had to come from somewhere...

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**Roster:**  
Syuon Kochi (different from normal sound - east wind) [殊音-東風] - one of the Shodaime's bodyguards

Yuato Sakakibara (loveship in struggle - evergreen field) [結愛斗 - 榊原] - Syuon's partner

Shiba (brushwood) [柴] - a shinobi from the Inuzuka clan, and Syuon and Yuato's senior officer

Ginmaru (silver perfection) [銀丸] - Shiba Inuzuka's partner


	13. In which Sasori Spills the Good News

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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Follows "Does This Count as Accidental Baby Acquisition—Please Send Help"

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**Warnings:** silliness, misunderstandings, mistaken affair(s)

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**[Knocked Up and About] - In which Kaiko Watches, and Sasori Spills the Good News**

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Sakumo Hatake and Satetsu no Kurogane got along like a wooden house on fire. And hadn't that sparked a chain of surprised looks and raised eyebrows. (For those not in the know, at least.)

Kurogane-sama is strong, intelligent, powerful and pragmatic, his growing reputation as Suna's most powerful Kage-candidate to date had placed him on a pedestal a little removed from the rest of the populace. Not to mention he is...very intimidating, both in looks and personality.

And Sakumo, Konoha's rising White Fang, was younger than Kaiko imagined but proving to be skilled and strong and cunning in all the ways that mattered. And whose only mistake was not being up to speed with his foreign politics. It was that or Konoha-nin really are as varied in quirks and levels of insanity as the rumors implied, when he acted so politely and (awkwardly) _flirted with_ the soon-to-be Village leader.

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The Konoha-nin _had_ been loopy on blood loss and a head injury the first time they had met. Not to mention the Kazekage-candidate had skillfully disguised himself as Suna ANBU with some medi-nin training (in order to keep an eye on and interrogate the foreign shinobi in their custody during the war.) As such, concessions could be made for the disrespect.

But then, Kaiko had been there when Sakumo had bathed himself in the gore of his enemies using what was possibly the most appalling and embarrassing jutsu she'd ever witnessed (and she'd seen a wide manner of horrid deaths). The people of Kage no Kuni were as tough and harsh as the desert they live in, but even she wouldn't wish _that_ kind of death on her worst enemy. So, the Hatake's sanity could certainly be put into question.

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Either way, Kurogane-sama seemed to find the shinobi's non-reverential (and awkward courting-puppy) treatment of him to his liking. (Kaiko didn't really have the authority or the willingness to tell him not to think with his ego or his dick. She didn't want to die just yet.)

The part where they both encountered the Great Shukaku face-to-face, found his favor, and lived could have added to his bias. (The entire population of Suna would have celebrated because Kurogane actually found another person he liked without being forced by duty or necessity. The fact he actually found someone sexually appealing is certainly relieving. _How nice it is to finally have proof there is actually a needy human hidden deep deep deep deep within the many frightening layers of iron sand._)

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However, a part of Kaiko feared Sakumo's reaction when, and not if, he discovers the deceit. It's been almost a year and Kurogane-sama had said nothing of his identity, all the while their friendship has been shifting to and fro into something much, much deeper.

She definitely isn't looking forward to the fallout.

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#

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The day of reckoning came and went, and Sakumo said nothing. Kaiko hadn't really seen or heard anything in particular from the Hatake since the shinobi got rip-roaring drunk and was enthusiastically shoulder-carried by an equally drunk and hungry-looking Kazekage into the night. And into his residence where they (as the rumors implied) went at it until morning, and then some.

(The ANBU had found the White Fang's reaction to his aching-and-waking state quite hilarious. Something about bewildered pitiful dog-noises, static hair and the Kazekage's rudely electrifying wake-up call. And a baby-sized flowerpot that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere...and became the subject to an unbelievably ridiculous custody war between the Hatake and the Suna Torture & Interrogation Department?)

Kaiko shook her head in confusion. _ANBU humor these days..._

And then, a flurry of errands and duties suddenly kept the two busy. Kurogane dove back into the bulk of post-war reparations while Sakumo went into several trips into the deserts of Suna to expand his mushroom crop varieties and the Hatake herbarium.

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She waited for screaming matches, perhaps a fight, maybe even Sakumo giving the cold-shoulder or some other equally dramatic reaction. Because Kurogane-sama was _apparently_ above such theatrics.

But their resident Konoha-nin did nothing. No noise of complaint, no heartbroken crying, or drinking or lamenting his entire existence. Nope. Nada. He wasn't even moping in public. The two lovers (ex-lovers?) seemed hellbent on avoiding each other. At least on Sakumo's end. In fact, he seemed to be stressing more over the flowerpot he just cannot seem to let go of.

On the other hand, Kurogane-sama was just a little more grumpy than usual. Not much of a change there. But then, he'd never really been in a relationship before...

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Kaiko was a little disappointed.

The silver-haired shinobi was her son's favorite playmate and her free-of-charge babysitter. She'd never seen anyone not of Suna become so taken with her boy before. (Her mother-in-law Chiyo had been looking a bit threatened and was convinced that Sakumo may just make off with Sasori one day.) The man just seemed to be build to have children to love and spoil senseless.

And.

He spared her and her husband in the war and took them with him during his escape. She owed him, more than twice over. For saving her and Gumo. For bringing them home to her family. For keeping the smile on her son's face when he saw them return.

She _had_ to do something.

But how was she supposed to become a fantastic mom-friend if Sakumo denies the existence of his relationship problems because he's too fixated on some potted cactus?

(Granted, it was the most adorable and exotic looking cactus she'd ever seen.)

But still...an intervention is definitely in order some time in the future.

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#

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Months passed in continued silence and being swamped in stressful work.

Then Sasori ran home one day with news that explained everything and nothing. "Hatake-san is having a baby!" he squealed.

_Sakumo...baby. Sakumo...having a baby. _Kaiko numbly took a seat.

Sakumo had recently been acting...off. The insomnia, the nightly walks, the binge buying of a ridiculous amount of prickly pear tunas to the point Trader Ekou didn't know whether to be flattered or terrified of the foreign shinobi practically buying him out.

_The nervous looks..._ Kaiko paused.

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_Sakumo...had been avoiding Kurogane-sama...because he knocked up some kunoichi and had to take responsibility?_

Her eye twitched. What a mess. What a MESS. Kurogane-sama is a very proud man and he's going to kill him. He's going to grind Sakumo into paste with his iron sand. Suna (and the entirety of Kaze no Kuni—especially the Wind Daimyo's _wife_) is going to be pissed off at their Kazekage for killing _their_ Bloody Fang (and supplier of their high quality_ tastier-than-thou_ desert truffles for their chocolates), so he's going to be dead too. Then Konoha is going to take _their_ White Fang's murder as an insult then wage a war that will wipe them out.

Sakumo is going to die, which means Kurogane-sama will die, which means that everyone else will most certainly die._ They're all going to fucking die._

She needs to talk to the Hatake. Now. _Right now_.

"Mama, wait for me!"

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#

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Kaiko burst through the door with the force of a raging sandstorm and cornered the Konoha-nin right in his room. Sakumo honestly looked like a wreak. He's become so thin a breeze would knock him over and he'd probably fade away. The kunoichi could still somehow muster some pity for the Konoha-nin when she saw him, but only a little bit.

"Bloody Fang," she snarled, pointing at him. "You...coward. You—you fucked up."

Sakumo gave a sad smile, like a puppy trying to be brave in front of a chopping block, and Kaiko decided she hated it. So. Much. "I fucked up, I know."

Her heart clenched with regret and desperation, and her mouth just ran away from her. "Talk to the Kazekage. Beg on your knees if you have to. Do something to fix this. Just because Kurogane-sama lied to you about his position, and you went behind his back and slept with someone else, doesn't mean—"

Sakumo raised a hand, cutting her short. "Kaiko-san, I personally had no problems with the omission of Kuro-san being a Kazekage-candidate, never mind being the Kazekage. I _was_ an enemy shinobi," he reminded her. "The issue of trust is understandable."

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The shinobi then faltered. "But, I don't know what you're talking about sleeping with someone else—"

" —what do you mean you don't? You're having a baby!"

"Yes, I'm having a baby and I don't know how to tell him—"

"Mama! Mama! You weren't listening to me." Sasori suddenly pulled at her sleeve, and Kaiko stopped.

_Where did he come from? Did...her little boy chased her all the way here?_

_._

But her son wasn't done yet.

"You didn't let me finish," he pouted petulantly and Kaiko goggled.

Sasori was sending the family patented disappointed look. At _her_. It was surreal.

"I'm sorry, Sasori-kun," she found herself saying. "What were you trying to say?"

"I forgive you, Mama," her son cheerfully replied. "I...I wanted to tell you that _someone else_ isn't having Hatake-san's baby," he enunciated slowly. Then he cleared his throat, ejecting a solemn air some children do when they're about to impart some great secret.

"_Hatake-san_ is the one _having_ the baby."

Silence.

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"Hatake-san...is the one having the...having the..." the kunoichi repeated weakly, grasping at air.

Everything felt faint (and Kaiko really wants to sit down. Maybe on the ground. Yes, yes, the ground. The ground will do...)

_Hatake...the one...having...insomnia...hormonal imbalance...prickly pear...cravings...__having baby...him. Him?_

She whirled and zeroed in at the shinobi's painfully thin belly, aghast. "You're _pregnant?!_"

Sakumo was still gaping like a fish when what she said hit him.

"_I'm_ pregnant_?_" he said, confusedly. Then, "Wait. _What._"

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Notes:

Kaiko is still giving Sakumo and her Kazekage too much credit when it comes to relationships and socializing. They're such disasters even though this doesn't elaborate on it.

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**Roster:**

Ekou (laugh-fortune) [笑幸] - a Suna trader who greatly reveres Shukaku and sells prickly pear tunas

Satetsu no Kurogane (black steel of the iron sand) [砂鉄の黒鋼] - the Sandaime Kazekage

Kaiko (silkworm) [蚕] - Sasori's mother; a medi-nin


	14. How the Sakumo vs Chiyo Prank War Began

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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Follows "Knocked Up and About"

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**Warnings:** silliness, misunderstandings

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**the Monster-in-Law - ****How the Sakumo vs Chiyo Prank War Started**

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Kaiko stared. Opened her mouth. Closed it. Kaiko stared some more. Back at the cactus and then at Sakumo.

The Hatake had his head held in his hands, voice muffled. "Please, say something. Anything."

"How? How...?"

Sakumo finally looked up and shrugged sheepishly. "I was very drunk and apparently thought it was a really great idea at the time?"

The kunoichi waved her hands at him as if that could expound on what she wasn't asking. "I mean, _how?_"

"Kaiko-neesan!" came the falsely scandalized tone.

The Hatake kept an amused mask so thin Kaiko could see through it. She knew he could tell she knew, but Sakumo probably needed some pretense of control after all the stress he'd been going under.

She said nothing.

"What you're asking for is privy only to me and the Kazekage. I would not answer that any more than you would if I ever ask what _you've_ been up to with your husband."

Kaiko had to punch him in the shoulder after that, causing the silver-haired shinobi giggled hollowly.

"Sassy mutt," she muttered, using a tone that had always worked well in calming Chiyo's very terrified patients. "That is not what I am asking and you know it. What I meant is: how are we supposed to tell the Kazekage about...this?" She gestured at all of him, potted cactus included.

"I've been trying to work on that for months," the shinobi confessed. "And I still have no idea what to do beyond just popping in his room and saying 'Congratulations, I'm not-pregnant. But we're having a baby and it's a cactus.'"

The half-assed plan induced a snort out of her. "Yeah...no. That's an excellent way to get sent to _Medical T & I: Mental Health Division_."

"Medical has a T & I Division?" Sakumo interjected.

"Yes, we do, for the ticking time-bomb cases," replied Kaiko. And she groaned. "This is _way_ above my pay-grade."

"Hhmm-hm. I'm pretty sure I'd be dead soon either way," Sakumo cheerfully remarked. "I don't think Suna will be happy about this."

"The two Shukaku-anointed reproducing; never mind that they're both male—you _are_ male, right? Because there's this old rumor about Hatake gender that I still cannot wrap my head around but may actually prove to be true since I met you and—wait, don't answer that. I _don't_ want to know." She waved a hand away and continued, "Anyway, the people of Suna will have a party. It's the council and the elders we have to worry...about..." the brunette drifted off.

"Kaiko-san?"

Kaiko brightened, rivaling the sun (and the Shodaime) in sunniness so potent her companion's hackles automatically rose. (Sakumo had heard _hundreds_ of horror stories and he did not want anything to do with that particular expression.) "The elders, Sakumo! Chiyo-okasan can help us."

Sakumo paled even more. "No. No-no-no. Your mother-in-law hates me!" he whined in dismay. "Bring anyone else. Anyone else but _her_."

"Uh-uh." Grinning impishly, Kaiko charged her chakra strings and pounced.

The silver-haired shinobi dodged to the side, but then went grey and swayed where he stood. Then he keeled over.

"Sakumo!"

The kunoichi did not hesitate for a split second.

She dove for the flowerpot.

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#

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"I hate you," the Hatake mouthed venomously. "I hate you with all the combined heat of a thousand Uchiha glares."

Beside him, Kaiko gave a smug smile as she removed the chakra strings holding him in place. Chiyo stood on the other side, scanning the area around his abdomen with a glowing palm.

"Keep the hate coming, dog boy. You're several decades too young to even leave a dent on me." She slapped the shinobi upside the head.

"Ow, what the hell, Chiyo-obaasama?" Sakumo rubbed the spot. "That hurt."

"That will be a small pain compared to when I'm done with you. What have you been doing to yourself, brat? You were already as thin as my walking stick before. Just what did the Kazekage ever see in your skinny ass?"

"The Kazekage liked my skinny ass just fine," he retorted automatically, then abruptly stopped at Kaiko's exclamation of "Language! My son's here" and her hands covering said son's ears. The elder's raised eyebrow told him how unimpressed she was.

And because Sakumo can be a bit stubborn at times, he just had to add, "And I've had a few...difficult...weeks, is all."

"Ha, 'a few difficult weeks,' he says," Chiyo mocked. "Don't lie to me. Your coping mechanisms are shit. Look at yourself." The elder raised one of his delicate wrists, easily fitting in her grip.

"When you're sad or distressed, you brood. And when you brood, you barely eat or sleep." She wagged a finger at his face. "Don't think I haven't been keeping tabs on you."

"You've been stalking me?" The Hatake looked horrified at the thought.

Chiyo snorted. "Me? Never. Harrumph. My precious grandson, on the other hand..." She brought Sasori to the front and ruffled his hair.

The boy removed the hands covering his ears and smiled. "Obaasan, Mama, did I do good?"

Kaiko smiled "You did very well. More than good, in fact."

"Such a perfect grandson," Chiyo crooned. "Here. Your sweets, as promised. I will show you my most prized puppets later."

Sakumo's wide-eyed look of betrayal was hilarious. "Sasori, my closest confidant, how could you? You were too young and cute for this world."

"I'm almost nine, Hatake-san" Sasori rolled his eyes in the exact stubborn way Sakumo still does when confronted with a Danzo-sensei or a Kagami-sensei lecture. (The Hatake gulped, not knowing whether to be proud or terrified of the murderous expression that appeared on Chiyo's face when she saw it.) "And you were getting sick and not doing anything about it. But you don't have to worry now. Obaasan is the best medic in Suna."

"And she is ordering you to fatten up and gain some weight again." Chiyo had Kaiko set a bowl of fruit broth in his hands. "Konoha's White Fang brought down by malnutrition? How ridiculous. Especially in your 'delicate' condition."

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#

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"You told her?" he hissed the moment the elder and the child left.

"What—no! I didn't have to tell her anything. Kaasan knows some clan bloodline-fuckery is going on, but she won't pry as long as it doesn't endanger anyone." Kaiko set the baby-cactus on his lap. "Did you know your chakra feels and behaves really weirdly? It's fascinating."

She turned to the Hatake but he didn't seem to be aware of her anymore.

"An involved third party. I wonder if that's how Shiso-obasan pulled it off..." Sakumo muttered to himself, looking at his bowl of broth thoughtfully.

"Hhm?" Kaiko tutted at the long face. "Oh, don't worry, Bloody Fang. Chiyo-kasan will take care of everything." She petted his hair, and Sakumo suddenly felt like a genin way in over his head. Again. But with no Nasu, Daizu, Kagami-sensei, any of his teammates or Danzo-sensei to help him out of trouble this time.

The shinobi reclined on the bed and grimaced, "That's exactly what I'm afraid of."

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#

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Meanwhile, grandmother and grandson were having their own conversation.

"Obaasan, what does 'pregnant' mean and why did Mama call Hatake-san that?" Sasori asked.

"When someone is 'pregnant', that means they are creating a baby and carrying them and feeding them using the 'mystical mother arts'," Chiyo explained gleefully.

"Ohhh..." the child scrunched his eyebrows. "That means that Hatake-san is going to be a kaasan?"

The elder cackled, "Absolutely."

Then something struck Sasori. "But if Hatake-san is the kaasan, then who is the tousan?

"That would be the Kazekage, Sasori-kun."

"Kazekage-sama is the tousan?" the boy cried out in excitement. "He's the strongest, so the baby is going to be strong too. Kazekage-sama must be so happy."

Beside him, Chiyo huffed in amusement. Her grandson just made things a lot easier. Time to play it up. "Oh, my poor child. The Kazekage doesn't know—"

"NO!" Sasori wailed in dismay. "Hatake-san..."

"—hasn't told him yet. And it's such a tragedy." The elder continued, "Poor Hatake-san was afraid, having a baby even before marriage and all alone."

(Sakumo sneezed in his bed and shivered, feeling a sudden chill crawl up his spine.)

She clasped her hands in great woe. "Well, we have to help Hatake-san and the baby, don't we Sasori-kun?"

"Yes, we must tell Kazekage-sama! He _has_ to marry Hatake-san and make him his wife," Sasori agreed enthusiastically.

Chiyo smiled. "Well, it's not polite to just barge in the Kazekage's office, Sasori-kun. I know just who to talk to first."

_._

_._

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**Roster:**

Satetsu no Kurogane (black steel of the iron sand) [砂鉄の黒鋼] - the Sandaime Kazekage

Kaiko (silkworm) [蚕] - Sasori's mother; a medi-nin


	15. the Reason Danzo and Hiruzen 'Broke Up'

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

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**Warnings:** silliness, past exorcism, mentions of attempted drugging and kidnapping

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**[Why Your Best Friend Sucks] - the Reason Danzo and Hiruzen 'Broke Up'**

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Contrary to what anyone thought, the 'downfall' of the lone Shimura and the Sarutobi heir's friendship didn't start of with a prank. Rather, it started with a friend's honest concern and really shitty decision-making skills. It was too bad Hiruzen, for all his strengths, skills, charisma and heart, can be quite an idiot sometimes.

A few days after Daizu announced the Matriarch Shiroki's death to all official (and non-official) Hatake, Danzo decided to make a change. (He actually and finally succumbed to Nasu's weaponized puppy-pout begging on their knees and—ahem—no one else needs to know anything more about that.)

The shinobi forwent with the usual dark shinobi garb and started wearing more traditional robes, ones depicting seasonal color combinations and designs that Shiroki would have approved of. It was so unlike him Hiruzen had been convinced his best friend had been placed under a genjutsu. So the Sarutobi heir stalked (pestered) his friend for days.

(_And this is why Kagami would have made a better best friend for him. The sad thing is, the Uchiha is occasionally too lucky to be made a scapegoat. And besides, Shoga had already claimed him as his second choice of partner-in-crime after his cousin Shinsui._)

And when attempts of dispelling the 'genjutsu' failed, Hiruzen thought Danzo had been replaced or possessed by _misaki_ or worse.

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#

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Danzo did not know how the Sarutobi heir managed to find_ Onmyōji _willing to interact with shinobi and enter a Hidden Shinobi village, much less smuggle them into his house, but he did not find being knocked unconscious, tied up and _exorcised to within an inch of his life_ funny at all.

Not to mention, the sight of _Onmyōji_ heading toward the Shimura Residence in full regalia had done _wonders_ to Danzo's already morally dubious (even by shinobi standards) reputation. He was never going to forgive Hiruzen for that stunt.

(They were all also twice blessed that Nasu had not stayed over there that day, or body parts would have started flying, and not in the good way. Everything Nasu does they excel at: sparring, killing, intelligent conversation, etc., but the Hatake can be a bit...testy sometimes.)

Sadly, Hiruzen is still his best friend and that is why Danzo had been willing to just put the entire embarrassing thing behind and 'forget' about it. (_He is so going to write it down in his diary._)

And apparently, said best friend didn't agree to let things lie either.

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#

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Nasu had just re-clothed and draped themselves over an equally exhausted Danzo when Kagami and Torifu somehow broke through the walls (while playing some weird game of chase involving some grappling and shoving). Which meant that the oafs (or Kagami, at least) must have been using their chakra to reinforce their physical strengths.

It was the first time the two lovers were caught in their relationship, and by team Madara no less.

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Torifu Akimichi had made a joke about their teammate "finally getting some" to Kagami's initial confusion and his embarrassment. The fact that Torifu's occasional ration stashing 'invasions' were the only reason Danzo managed to more or less survive after barricading himself in his sealed panic room during the Exorcism Incident was the only thing stopping him from jumping his friend. And so Torifu was spared.

Kagami, however, was not, and it took a threat of getting dunked in a Koi pond for him to sing like a bird, brandishing a letter like it was a shield: "But it wasn't our fault. Your best friend—"

"So he's _my_ best friend when he pulls off stuff like this?" Danzo said accusingly.

"Um..." The Uchiha backpedaled and continued,"...He made us bring this as an apology gift! He made it sound like the state of your friendship was on the rocks and that it was a matter of life and death."

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And so Danzo opened the letter and took a peek. He then went pale, then flushed red and started shaking, going through shock, embarrassment, disgust, and a little hurt and betrayal.

Kagami and Torifu looked at their teammate in concern.

"It's Lady Yumi Masabuchi, one of the Fire Daimyo's cousins many times removed," Danzo finally forced out in distaste. "She wants me to escort her niece...Ranji", he shuddered, "and her entourage to a relative's wedding in Kuso."

"She's that spoiled woman who won't stop coming onto and touching you, the one who tried to _drug_ and make off with you, wasn't she?"

"Yes," he gritted. "How lucky that things didn't work the way it should have because I was allergic."

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Instead of being knocked out cold and under her mercy, he spent the week sneezing, vomiting and in pain while the lady was (thankfully) kept away in fear of contracting whatever 'malady' had befell him.

"Since Hiruzen had never seen a girl so interested in me, he probably thought it was...romantic." Torifu mock-gagged beside Kagami, who swatted him. "The big problem is, Ranji and Biwako are _nothing_ alike."

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"Hhn."

Nasu, who had been looking over his shoulder, blinked slowly, narrowed their eyes, and became eerily quiet. (Kagami squeaked in the background, suddenly remembering the Daikon-and-Carrot-Maggots-Almost-Crawling-Up-His-Nose Incident that happened _after_ the last time Nasu reacted like that, so he took his Akimichi teammate and bailed. Which left the two lovers to stew in growing violent intent.)

Danzo had been on the fence on what to do about his best friend, but now...Hiruzen is not going to die. He is going to _suffer_.

Nasu anchored their partner with a tight grip, lest he jump off the rails, and brightened up as the beginnings of a plan made itself known. Yosa is going to enjoy assisting them in this.

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(The next month the entire Sarutobi clan woke up covered with fleas.)

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**Notes:**

So...it's been a little hard to get into the mood to write with the quarantine and near lack of access to a computer (since I apparently find it really hard to write on paper or cellphone because my brain is a mess and Changeling has not been cooperating at all plotwise.) Here's to hoping that things will get better. Soon.

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**Roster:**

Yumi Masabuchi (superiority snake - gain edge) [優巳 - 増渕] - an old client related to the Daimyo who took a liking to an uninterested Danzo  
Ranji Masabuchi (orchid govern - gain edge) [蘭治 - 増渕] - Yumi's very spoiled niece who she keeps on egging Danzo to

Nasu (eggplant) [茄子] - a Hatake shinobi who is teammates with Yosa Aburame and Shinsui Uchiha

Yosa (goodness) [良さ] - Nasu Hatake's best friend, partner in crime and teammate

Shoga (ginger) [生姜] - a descendant of Togarashi Hatake who inherited his very rare fire chakra affinity, and works with Shinsui Uchiha in slash-and-burn farming

Shinsui (deep water) [深水] - Shoga Hatake's slash-and-burn Uchiha partner in Oni-en


	16. Shiroki Comes Home

**Naruto AU: Hatake Agricultural Adventures**

(Alternatively known as the How Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna + the Hatake clan actually being Agricultural Experts AU)

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_Plant a Dragon's teeth and you can have an army of grown warriors, or so the legend said._

_._

* * *

(Ties into "The Grave of the Stray Dog")**  
**

Or: In which Kama is unrepentantly a mama's boy and it has never really been a problem. Until now.

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**Warnings:** character death, creepy, Demon Tree

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**[A Chase, a Procession, a Funeral] - Shiroki Comes Home**

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The rumors of Shiroki Hatake's sudden disappearance perpetuated for days.

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All that her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren would say was that one fateful night, there was a thunderstorm the likes of which they had never seen but had definitely heard of—eerily similar to the very one where Shiroki got struck by lightning.

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(The very same one that preceded the birth of the first generation of Hatake, but that was another level of rumor altogether.)

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The one-eyed and ancient ex-samurai, who had been uncharacteristically listless and distant during the last few days, had left for a walk in the middle of the storm, and had never come back.

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Shiroki, who survived more horrible things than even her children knew of, was missing under mysterious circumstances, mostly presumed dead.

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Kama would have been the first to look after his mother once he knew, but his osteoarthritis was worse during bad weather, and veteran ninja or not, his nephews and nieces did everything to keep him ignorant of his mother's disappearance.

.

Two of the best trackers, Tamanegi and Wasabina, volunteered to look for their founder. Plans were made accordingly and a search party was made in secret. The hunting pair ended up returning to the old Hatake farm, but the trail passed beyond that, going out of Hi no Kuni before they lost the scent.

.

They had no choice but to tell Kama then. That was several days ago.

.

.

Kama should have seen it coming, in hindsight. Perhaps, he had seen the signs, but had refused to acknowledge them.

.

Hahaue had been the only truly constant thing since he was born. Who would want to be confronted with her mortality? He certainly didn't.

.

The old Hatake prerogative would have been to make like a dying dog and find a nice spot in the forest or somewhere hard to find to lie in. Or to return to a lost home to die there...

.

And Kama knew exactly where Hahaue could have gone.

.

.

#

.

.

Kama and Raiun, originally Kabocha's wolf companion, appeared near the borders of Kyukei in a flash of lightning, making their way to their first home and probably waking and scaring villagers out of their sleep.

.

Or, at least, that was what should have gone down.

.

What happened instead was this:

.

Kyukei was an abandoned shell of itself, a ghost town, and the once abundant huts and houses of Kama's childhood were now overgrown by a frightening infestation of greenery.

.

Thick, gnarled tree trunks of both alternating red, black and white strips and the ordinary mottled grey-brown kind crept and twisted and claimed and wove through and around like gigantic vines. Some had bypassed fences, grown inside windows and crushed structures through the sheer size of its growth. Twigs, branches, trunks and roots all woven and warped in ways nature never intended it to.

.

Raiun growled, her hackles raised, and Kama stroked her fur to calm both her and himself. Tamanegi and Wasabina were not far behind them, alert and bristling with tension.

.

None of it looked natural. What certainly seemed like nature gone rampant at first glance looked more and more like a Mokuton-user had had a tantrum and let loose on the tiny village.

.

Kama hadn't heard word from Kyukei for decades—villages can rise and fall just as fast during the era of constant warfare between clans and daimyōs, and protection only came from either complete insignificance or from strategic value.  
.

The little village had the former, not the latter, which meant little in the long run. But that was still no reason for this current state of...devastation.

.

.

The old shinobi then remembered an offhand remark about a teenage Tobirama that had been mentioned a decade or two ago, that the Senju once made a detour to a little town in Take no Kuni long before the founding of Konohagakure, supposedly to recuperate from injuries before returning all the way to the Senju clan compound.

.

Except the allotted time had come and gone and there was still no albino Senju, so his dear brother Hashirama had gone looking for the last place his younger brother was. And so, if the Senju had made his way here...

.

"Just what did that oaf do to my home town?!" he growled under his breath.

.

Silence. Static crept up Kama's spine.

.

And then earth roared. Raiun growled louder. Fire and thunder unleashed. Shinobi and ookami moved in tandem, claws out and lightning cackling beneath sharp teeth, dodging a relentless assault of twisting vines and spines and overgrowth that siphoned chakra through contact. Kama's tanto and localized wind jutsus made short work of what Raiun's fangs and claws could not, but they were both going to eventually be overrun through sheer numbers, and drained of their energy bit by bit.

.

It took some time but something finally snuck past their defenses and smashed into them from the left, Kama's temple hitting something even harder with a crack. Something that took hold of him—too many somethings—vines or what felt like hands, covered in bark and nettle-like hair, maybe. He heard Raiun yelp and they were dragged in two different directions.

.

Kama, fingers failing to scrabble for purchase, caught a glimpse of Tamanegi's bleeding face, awash in red and black ichor and raging terror.

.

"Ojii-sama!"

.

Then darkness.

.

.

#

.

.

Kama woke up and Hahaue was nowhere to be found.

.

He slowly got up to his knees and fought the urge to tip sideways, limbs feeling too short yet too long, too strong yet too weak, his body feeling familiar yet alien in a way he cannot yet explain. He has to find her...quickly.

.

It took several tries before Kama conceded to the fact he cannot stand properly and half-crawled, half-limped, posture askewed in such a strange way. Like he wanted, no, _needed_ a cane or some assistance but he is just ten so why would he need support exactly? Did he damage his leg? Was there an accident?

.

More mysteries for the Hatake, but looking for Hahaue was the biggest priority, so he listened to his gut, picked a direction that felt right and moved along as best as he can.

.

He followed that feeling—that insistent tugging sensation that brought him past what should be the village square, which was empty of people but filled with a maze of thorns that he had the impression weren't there before.

.

Kama shivered. Someone was watching but it didn't feel malignant, not quite, only different. His mouth felt dry and swallowing was hard. He kept going, stumbling a few times, while thorny vines hooked at his clothes and skin and pulled him forward. The houses were rundown but he ignored them. The gravestones were mostly broken down and the names near-faded but he ignored that too, keeping his concentration on putting one foot in front of the other.

.

Soon he could hear something...someone singing, and he moved deeper, accumulating more scratches due to the density of foliage. There was the faint sound of voices, weak and watery like an echo of an echo, calling back...but he was so close to Hahaue he could sense her presence in the air.

.

A forest of brambles blocked the path so he unsheathed his sword to start hacking away, but then the brambles surged and swallowed him, grabbed him by the ankles again. And Kama was pulled into a long winding path that slithered left then right and spun and so on till he couldn't tell what direction was what, then gravity took him down down down until his body hit the ground with a worrying thud.

.

.

#

.

.

Kama didn't remember how long he was unconscious, much less how long it took to rouse into awareness. It was only fortunate his combat instincts kept his body reinforced by chakra during the entire ordeal, or he would have had to wake up to broken bones instead of what must certainly be hairline fractures and cracked ribs.

.

After taking note of his injuries and patching up those he could, Kama took a look at his surroundings. And stopped and stared.

.

Flowers. Flowers and curling vines everywhere. The Bleeding Tree smack dab in the middle of a sea of small white trumpet-like blossoms in full bloom. And there, perched on the grave marker, was the small figure of a one-eyed white-haired maiden...and the looming shadow of someone else sitting right behind her.

.

The man was truly not much taller than the young woman, but his presence was larger than life, possessing sad amber eyes and a shorn fuzz of mousy hair, his countenance down-to-earth in comparison to his companion's delicate and unearthly one.

.

Kama hadn't expected that.

.

"Come meet your tousan," said Hahaue, her eyes half-lidded yet happier than he'd seen since...forever.

.

The choir of voices at the back of Kama's head went silent.

.

.

* * *

.

**Roster: **

Shiroki (white sake) [白酒] - supposedly the first Hatake, a very pretty samurai-turned-farmer with more missing teeth than scars

Kama (sickle) [鎌] - a Hatake elder and was head of the shinobi half of the clan, the most sadistic of Shiroki's sons

Tamanegi (onion) [玉葱] - a Hatake civilian; Oni-en tracker and hunter  
Wasabina (wasabi greens) [山葵菜] - a reserve Hatake shinobi who specializes in stealth

Raiun (thundercloud) [雷雲] - Kabocha's wolf companion

.

Kyukei (rest) [休憩] - a village in Take no Kuni (Land of Waterfalls) where Shiroki brought her brood of children and raised them; also the site of Hatake no Yaken's grave


End file.
